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Stop being a nice guy - learn to be a tough dude

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Not all girls have self-confidence, which often results in difficulties for them in their careers and personal lives. Is there a way to acquire this quality if it has not been instilled since childhood?

Rapid, cluttered, or slurred speech. You are embarrassed to express your opinion, and if this happens, it is clear that you are uncomfortable. The doubtful intonation in the voice of a shy person makes her interlocutors doubt her words. An absent-minded look. You rarely look your interlocutor in the eye, and you are generally uncomfortable when people look at you, you are afraid of eye contact. However, please note that when you look into the eyes of your interlocutor, he has no choice; he also looks into your eyes. If you constantly look away, then a person has more opportunities in the meantime to examine all the shortcomings (imaginary or real) that give you self-doubt. Clumsiness. When talking, you don’t know where to put your hands, how best to sit, and the like. Because of your chaotic movements, some objects can often fall, you touch your interlocutor with your hands, or you stumble out of the blue. Closedness. Girls who feel insecure most often prefer to lead a secluded lifestyle. If this is your case, then it means that you are trying to avoid the company of unfamiliar people, and other people’s attention, first of all, does not flatter you, but makes you tense. Clothing that is too inconspicuous or provocative. Most often, girls who could use more self-confidence prefer to wear things that are not attractive.

– they do not seek to emphasize sexuality or femininity, for fear of looking ridiculous. In more rare cases, there may be another extreme - a girl puts on provocative things, thereby trying to hide her complexes.

If you notice any of these signs in yourself, then you probably need to reconsider your attitude towards yourself. Doubts that periodically overcome you interfere with a full life. However, the good news is that you can get rid of them!

1. You should find a hobby or activity in which you can achieve good results. Think about what you are predisposed to and do it. Perhaps as a child you were good at drawing, sewing or dancing. Get back to this activity! A person who is successful in some area of life (hobby or work) is more confident in himself. 2. Don't ignore problems that you could have solved long ago if it weren't for your insecurities. It would be a good time for you to go to the dentist, but you are embarrassed, causing the problem to worsen? Do you absolutely need to talk to some unpleasant person, but are you trying in every possible way to delay this moment? There can be many such examples. Until you solve the problem that has arisen, it will remain in your thoughts, and, therefore, in your life. Overcome your fear and the problem will remain in the breach. Many difficulties are solved in minutes, but instead you spend weeks and months worrying. 3. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. People around you may treat you completely differently than you expect, solely because they are unaware of your sincere expectations. Don't be shy about saying out loud what you want from other people. Pre-formulate a thought in your head, say it to yourself several times, and then confidently and calmly voice it. 4. Handle shocks with grace. Having experienced the betrayal of a loved one, faced with an illness or some kind of insult, do not give up, but try to analyze the situation. Such shocks are not a reason for depression, but for becoming stronger in the face of life's adversities. 5. Forget about feeling sorry for yourself. You should love yourself, but you shouldn't feel sorry. This feeling does not help improve self-esteem at all. If any trouble has happened to you, there is no need to lament your difficult fate, crawling even deeper under your “shell”. Sometimes indignation and anger because you find yourself in such an absurd situation similar situation can be much more useful and productive. 6. Take care of your appearance. It has long been no secret to anyone that what better woman looks, the more confident she feels. You've probably noticed more than once that after getting a good hairstyle or buying something new that suits you, you feel different. If such successful innovations in your appearance If I do this regularly, it will undoubtedly have a positive impact on your self-esteem. 7. Circle of friends. Note that the wider your social circle, the better for you. Frequent communication with the opposite sex will have a positive impact on your personal life. Regularly in many cities, and perhaps in yours, events are held where you can meet other people - exciting excursions, trainings and master classes.

How to become a more determined and calm woman

A calm and confident woman often evokes only respect and admiration. Is it easy to become such a woman? Fighting negativity. You should not give in to negative emotions. Suppress the habit of criticizing other people and getting irritated by their attitude towards you. Think about what makes offenders act one way or another, what deep motives they actually pursue. Talk openly and calmly with the person who is causing you a negative reaction - find out what exactly he is trying to achieve. If possible, you should keep your meetings to a minimum. Stop being offended. Perhaps resentment is one of the most unconstructive feelings that are characteristic of children, but very strange for adults. In response to some action that offended you, you should not withdraw into yourself and move away from the person - explain to him that you were hurt by his action. Give reasons for this. Learn to build a dialogue, conveying your desires through it. Control your emotions. If you feel like you're on edge and having a hard time managing your emotions, mentally collect your thoughts. If this is appropriate, you should simply leave the conflict zone by telling the person calmly and without offense: “Let's come back to this conversation later. I have to go now". If we're talking about about an impending quarrel with a stranger, then also try to end the conversation as soon as possible. Be calm. Even if you are overcome by millions of thoughts, doubts or indignation inside, try not to show it outwardly. Breathe evenly, using your diaphragm. Inhale slowly and exhale over a few minutes. Step back and take a few deep breaths. Concentrate not on negative emotions, but on your breathing.

Take a break. If something upsets or angers you, then find an opportunity to distract yourself from it. Use the example of Jane Eyre, and tell yourself that you will think about it tomorrow, or at least a little later. In the meantime, do something more enjoyable for yourself - call to a loved one, with whom you enjoy communicating, watch a good movie, go to a concert, and the like. Do some sports. Many women and men who play sports are much better at handling their negative emotions. This is not surprising because... During training on exercise machines, wrestling, swimming or fitness, tension is significantly relieved.

When to be bold or self-confident

Of course, it’s great if you have become a calm and reasonable girl, but often this is not enough for self-confidence. Sometimes you need to demonstrate to others that you are capable of insolence. Don't confuse it with hysteria! So when is it appropriate? 1 - Insult. If someone is clearly trying to hurt you, then you need to make it clear to the offender that you do not intend to tolerate it. Learn to take a blow and respond to overt rudeness in the same vein. Of course, you shouldn’t descend into “bazaar showdowns”; it is advisable to be able to put a person in his place with one or two phrases, like: “It’s none of your business,” “Your behavior is tactless,” and the like. 2 - Disrespect. When a salesperson deliberately ignores you, when friends or family are clearly taking advantage of you, or when other similar situations of disrespect toward you occur, you may well be insolent by once calmly and firmly expressing what you think about the person. If this does not bring results, start avoiding communication with him. 3 - Game. Boldness and self-confidence can be used in completely harmless forms. It could be a playful conversation with your lover - both you and he understand that this is just flirtatiousness, and you both like it.

What is the difference between arrogance and confidence?

What can be called arrogance? Perhaps this is a violation of established norms of behavior for the sake of one’s own benefit. Let us determine the signs by which one can distinguish arrogant behavior from confident one.

Behavior of arrogant people

Ignoring established norms of behavior. An example would be climbing to the cash register window without waiting in line, borrowing some things without asking their owner, and the like. No shame. To an arrogant man it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about him. He acts in a way that is beneficial to him, without regard to other people’s opinions. Tactlessness. Arrogant people almost always have their own opinion on a given situation, which they are ready to express even against the will of other people. Own interests at any cost. If they need something, they will do everything they can to achieve it, without having “anything sacred.” They may ignore the fact that their actions cause significant harm to other people, even if they are children or elderly people.

I'll be bolder - I'll become strong

In fact, by resorting to arrogant behavior, you can quickly gain some benefit, but later it can turn against you. The reputation of an arrogant person does not make anyone happy - such people cause irritation and a repulsive impression. Arrogance has nothing to do with self-confidence, because the latter is usually based on self-esteem, which is unnatural for arrogance.

What psychologists say

school years

cosmetic procedures

good quality

I feel flawed because I am not a cunning or arrogant, unenterprising person. It may sound funny, but it's true. I believe that without these qualities it is difficult to achieve anything in life. Is it possible to develop them in yourself? How to become cunning? Is it possible to become arrogant?

Lydia, 20 years old

Konstantin Slepak, psychoanalyst:

I subjectively substituted antonyms for the words “cunning” and “enterprise.” I got: “gullibility, innocence”, “modesty” and “lack of purpose, dependence”. Lydia, is that who you are? Do these definitions match your self-perception?

Behind the qualities you listed is a special psychological ability to use others. The ability to treat them as objects that can be played with, controlled, used as a resource to achieve your goals and without feeling guilty. The ability to not identify with their subjectivity, weaknesses and problems.

In addition, behind these skills there is necessarily such a quality as aggressiveness. Healthy aggressiveness helps both survive and live; it contributes to achieving goals and successful competitive behavior. This is well taught in sports schools and in various types of training to develop self-confidence. Sometimes, to become a little bolder, you can imagine that life is a theater and try to play different roles. For example, putting on the mask of an arrogant and cunning person and interacting with the world on behalf of this mask. I am sure that nothing will happen to the world. He couldn't stand it either.

Successful is the one who knows how to be different: passive and aggressive, sensitive and tough, trusting and cunning.

How do you feel about people who clearly demonstrate these qualities? If they evoke mostly negative feelings in you, then most likely you already possess these qualities yourself, they are just in the Shadow. In that space of the unconscious, where they were driven either by upbringing or by prevailing circumstances, for example, if your immediate environment could not withstand your aggressive behavior in childhood - you got sick, offended, ashamed or ashamed - it was difficult to show aggression, and your adaptation consisted of learning not to show it, but to suppress it.

If you envy them, then, most likely, the adaptation consisted of projecting these qualities onto others, that is, in the fantasy of imparting aggressiveness to the people around you, and accepting the role of a victim or an inferior person, an “extra” in life. Behind this there are necessarily unconscious fantasies that explain why and why this particular path was chosen.

Analytical psychologists believe that our conscious attitudes are always opposed by unconscious ones, with the opposite sign. That is, if you perceive yourself as gullible, passive and simple-minded and behave the same way, then a lot of rage and hatred has accumulated in the unconscious. The question is how to realize it and learn to manifest it in doses.

Are there those around you who are destined for unexpressed rage and aggression? Why is it difficult for you to demonstrate these qualities? What will happen if you show the qualities that are so attractive to you that you wrote about in the letter? In life, it is difficult to achieve success or happiness only through arrogance and enterprise, as well as through modesty and lack of purpose. Successful is the one who knows how to be different: passive and aggressive, sensitive and tough, trusting and cunning.

It has long been known that the male sex loves self-confident women who can scandalize when necessary, behave on an equal footing with a man, and create comfort.

Although most men marry quiet and calm ladies who are ready to remain in the shadow of their beloved partner. But they meet and choose women with the opposite character as their mistresses. Why? Yes, because the house should be a calm haven where you can come and relax.

But relationships on the side just give a man a charge of emotions and outbursts. As a rule, a man meets with both his mistress and his girlfriend, but does not live together. Unfortunately, boldness and obedience are two opposing qualities. A wise woman combines both of them and uses them wisely when needed.

How to become daring and arrogant?

What is insolence? This is a character trait that is synonymous with arrogance, indifference towards others and shamelessness. Impudence is also shamelessness and impudence, bordering on impudence. That is, both words are synonyms and have the same manifestation features. Insolence and impudence can manifest themselves in any person, even the calmest one. They usually appear when a person is outraged and dissatisfied with something. For example, another is going to skip the line. As others will say: he begins to become impudent and does not consider others. Someone from this line will definitely put him in his place, also being insolent, or will do it in a calm tone.

You need to be able to stand up for yourself and not let others get on your neck. To do this, you can raise your voice and be rude if necessary. The main thing is to know when to stop and do it only to protect your interests.

What needs to be done to be able to work with such qualities as arrogance and audacity?

The main advice here is to become confident

Insolence should be your weapon, but not your protective mask. You need to know how to use it only in those situations where it is necessary. Know your worth. There is no need to depend on the opinions of others.

Know how to respond to attacks directed at you with wit

Don't respond in kind to rudeness. If you react to all the barbs addressed to you with anger, then people will only be amused.

Don't let yourself be offended

It happens that other people - colleagues, relatives - sit on your neck

Don't let this happen. Answer directly that you could help. To be insolent does not mean to offend a person, but it means to be able to defend one’s rights.

Insolence should be manifested not only in actions, but also in clothing and movements.

Behave relaxed, dress sexy, but in moderation.

What attracts men to their audacity?

It has long been known that the male sex is accustomed to wooing beautiful people. The more mysterious a woman is and knows her worth, the more she will hook a man. The male sex loves confident ladies who can defend their opinions and answer without fear of consequences. And I like it even more when you can argue with a woman. Who would be interested in communicating with a person who agrees on everything? No one.

A daring lady is a confident woman who combines feminine wisdom, sexuality and intelligence. You will be happy to show such a person to other men who will definitely show interest in her.

When should you be bold and when should you remain silent?

It’s good when a woman knows her limits and shows her qualities such as impudence and impudence only when they are really needed. But more often it happens that, as it seems, a strong personality attacks a weak one: he is rude, does everything to please his own interests, without regard for others. And sometimes the mood is such that you want to quarrel with someone and show that you are right. In any situation you need to be clear-headed.

Consider whether the conflict can be resolved calmly. If it doesn’t work out, then show your arrogance here. But only in such cases. Arrogance and impudence help you achieve a lot in life, but such people are not liked.

James Victor is an author, designer, director and director of an independent design school. He also teaches, and every semester he conducts an impromptu survey on student shyness by simply asking them who considers themselves shy. Each time, at least three-quarters of the students raise their hands... although only at shoulder level, not higher. But is this phenomenon typical only for students studying art? What about other professions: accountants, engineers, managers - do they suffer from this? Are we all embarrassed?

: Shyness is not a genetic factor. There is no such gene responsible for timidity. This is what is formed inside us under the influence environment, family, successful or unsuccessful moments in life. Here is a simple example from the life of James, which is painfully familiar to me personally and probably to many of you:

“As a child, I was very shy. I don't believe I was born this way. But they always introduced me something like this: “And this is our baby. He's a little shy." And I began to feel shy! It became a habit. An authoritative person told me that I was shy, and I began to live with it, as if I had always been this way.”

Unfortunately, as an adult, you realize that this habit gets in the way. Finding yourself in the unfamiliar public place or in front of the camera, you have to pretend to be someone else - as if you are comfortable and calm. Years of practice can help dull the fear, but every time you find yourself in a similar situation, you need to show courage to overcome your shyness.

It turns out that shyness is a banal habit, not a personality characteristic given from birth. Likewise, confidence is one of those ambiguous traits, like willpower or intuition, that can be developed and trained like a muscle. But, like any physical exercise, it is hard and requires constant work. And, more importantly, constant awareness.

This means being, as they say, here and now, remembering your main goal, and not be distracted by extraneous thoughts or delve into your head. Do not listen to the formidable critic within yourself or imagine that others are, judge them or try to predict their reaction. Just move forward and do it confidently!

The lives of many involve an almost daily struggle with shyness. All this time, every time you have to take a big step out of your own comfort zone. This is accompanied by tedious experiences, constant anxiety and a feeling of deep self-doubt. The inner critic begins to say: “I’m too stupid, ugly, young... Nothing will work out... Everyone will laugh, or they won’t even look...”

Why do we find ourselves immersed in such deep thoughts? What's so bad that could happen to us? We are simply... Most people are so afraid of failure that they prefer not to take risks. Even worse, risk becomes something you try to avoid at all costs. This is how a habit is formed. We deprive ourselves of the opportunity to stop distancing ourselves from people so that they can contact us and respond to our actions.

Fear of rejection is normal. Everyone has periods of self-doubt: for some it’s seconds, for others it’s longer. Fear is a test: it means you must pay close attention to something, gather your willpower and not get confused.

Doubt comes not only from inner critic, but also from the outside: from friends, family and “well-wishers” who are trying in every possible way to protect you from danger and keep you in your (or in their own) comfort zone. Trust yourself, face your own fears, do not give in to the public call to “be like everyone else.”

Your desire for confidence encourages others to confront their fears. Your freedom from fears is a reminder to them of THEIR imaginary restraint and of the limitations that they set for themselves. However, your confidence will be a beacon for others. People are designed this way: they follow those who are strong and self-confident. A confident person is a very strong motivator for others.

The point is not to create armor for yourself in the form of an alternative Super-Ego or awaken an indomitable inner spirit... It is important to be on alert and not let fear rule your life. So that you can perceive yourself as you are, calmly endure fear and doubt. Confidence does not live under the rule of fear and doubt, but perceives them as an integral part of life.

Confidence gives you the courage and freedom to move forward, ask for help, demand more and what you deserve. And most importantly, a self-confident person calmly endures failure if it happens.

James Victor is an author, designer, director and director of an independent design school. He also teaches, and every semester he conducts an impromptu survey on student shyness by simply asking them who considers themselves shy. Each time, at least three-quarters of the students raise their hands... although only at shoulder level, not higher. But is this phenomenon typical only for students studying fine arts? What about other professions: accountants, engineers, managers - do they suffer from this? Are we all embarrassed?

: Shyness is not a genetic factor. There is no such gene responsible for timidity. This is what is formed within us under the influence of the environment, family, successful or unsuccessful moments in life. Here is a simple example from the life of James, which is painfully familiar to me personally and probably to many of you:

“As a child, I was very shy. I don't believe I was born this way. But they always introduced me something like this: “And this is our baby. He's a little shy." And I began to feel shy! It became a habit. An authoritative person told me that I was shy, and I began to live with it, as if I had always been this way.”

Unfortunately, as an adult, you realize that this habit gets in the way. Finding yourself in an unfamiliar public place or in front of a camera, you have to pretend to be someone else - as if you are comfortable and calm. Years of practice can help dull the fear, but every time you find yourself in a similar situation, you need to show courage to overcome your shyness.

This means being, as they say, here and now, remembering your main goal, and not being distracted by extraneous thoughts or delving into your head. Do not listen to the formidable critic within yourself or imagine that others are, judge them or try to predict their reaction. Just move forward and do it confidently!

The lives of many involve an almost daily struggle with shyness. All this time, every time you have to take a big step out of your own comfort zone. This is accompanied by exhausting experiences, constant anxiety and a feeling of deep self-doubt. The inner critic begins to say: “I’m too stupid, ugly, young... Nothing will work out... Everyone will laugh, or they won’t even look...”

Doubt comes not only from the inner critic, but also from the outside: from friends, family and “well-wishers” who try in every possible way to protect you from danger and keep you in your (or their) comfort zone. Trust yourself, face your own fears, do not give in to the public call to “be like everyone else.”