When your family boundaries are violated. Exercise “Boundaries. How to Set Personal Boundaries

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With whom you have nothing in common, it is easy to be at peace with.

Proverb

In a place where there is more than one person - a man and a woman, a group of friends or colleagues, neighbors in the yard - a relationship begins. If adults who are related by kinship or life choice find themselves together - husband and wife, parent and child - close relationships begin.

• When a close relationship begins, willy-nilly you have to build communication and look for answers to questions:
• If you don’t have enough attention from someone else, should you demand it or look elsewhere?
• Who will be the first to break the long silence?
• A woman wants to wear an open dress, a man doesn’t like it. Who should give in in a conflict?
• Is it possible to joke with this person? Where is the line between joke and aggression?
• When can you read your partner’s personal correspondence?
• If we live as neighbors, is it possible to regain interest in each other? Can I tell my partner what I don't like about intimate relationships

or is it better to remain silent? How will this be received?

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“Training “Personal boundaries in close relationships - war or peace”

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So, exercise one. I'll start with a short introduction. Do you often have to wait? I mean waiting in the metro, near a monument, at a train station, in general, somewhere where you agreed to meet in advance? How often those with whom we negotiate are late! One of my friends often complained: “My wife doesn’t understand at all how much nerves I spend meeting her after work at the tram stop! Every time she promises that she will be on time, and every time she is late. And not for five or ten minutes, but for an hour, or even an hour and a half!” I imagined my friend nervously rushing along the sidewalk, peering into the faces of everyone getting off the tram, smoking cigarette after cigarette, glancing at his watch and biting his lips, feverishly wondering if some misfortune had happened to his beloved woman? And you know, imagining this picture, I suddenly remembered another friend of mine who immediately and clearly defined the boundaries of the waiting time. I recommend that you do the same as your first exercise.

Determine the waiting time, say, up to ten minutes. From now on, having agreed on a meeting, clearly and consistently adhere to these boundaries. It won't be easy at first. Surely you will begin to persuade yourself: “Okay, nothing will happen if I wait a couple more minutes. But maybe he/she will have time to come.” I warn you - something terrible will happen. A short minute of waiting will instantly throw you back to your previous position of dependence and submission. You must learn and make others understand: no one but you has the right to manage your time. Therefore, after ten minutes of waiting, immediately leave the meeting place. Perhaps they will then try to reassure you: “Is this possible?” or “Was it really that hard to wait?” Such reproaches will likely cause you to feel remorse or guilt. To protect yourself from this, write just one phrase on paper in advance: “I’m right. And next time you will be on time." Carry this piece of paper with you in your pocket and, as soon as you have doubts about the correctness of your action, take it out and read it out loud, regardless of whether the interlocutor can hear you or not. Remember that words written on paper always seem more “weighty” than any oral arguments.

You can first rehearse the second exercise at home, and then “go out in public.”

Shop

To complete the exercise, you will need no more than half an hour of free time and a free space - a room, kitchen, bathroom, hallway. I am sure that in every corner of your home there are some things that evoke positive emotions in you, and there are also those that you do not really like. So, you are left alone in a certain room among things you like or dislike. Take paper and a pen and, dividing the sheet into two halves, make a list of your favorite things on one and make a list of your least favorite things on the other. Opposite the name of each thing, write down the advantages and disadvantages with which, in your opinion, it is endowed. Put your notes aside and prepare another sheet. Now you must imagine that these things are not yours at all. They are up for sale, and your task is to sell them as quickly and as expensively as possible. Imagine an imaginary buyer coming to you. Say hello to him and start “trading.” I think you yourself will notice that you will begin to shamelessly lie, praising to an imaginary buyer, first of all, the things you dislike the most. You will suddenly find a lot of imaginary advantages in them. Write them down on paper. In the end, you will end up with a list that looks very similar to the first, but the content is completely different. I once did this exercise with myself. Then he checked both lists and laughed heartily. I have an old worn out stool in my hallway that I have been wanting to throw away for a long time, but somehow I kept putting it off. So, in the first “correct” list, opposite the word “stool” I wrote: “No merits. Garbage!!". In the second list, which I tentatively called “seller’s notes,” it was written: “The stool is a very necessary and useful thing. Convenient for a short rest after climbing the stairs, it’s great for untying your shoe laces, since it’s low and you don’t have to bend over at all, it looks quite decent, and some wear will go well with a hallway decorated in an antique style (which, by the way, is now very fashionable), and for a modern hallway it can be easily updated by simply covering it with decorative film, and the film and stool will cost much less than a new stool...” I filled almost half a page with such nonsense. I’ll be honest—having laughed it off, I immediately took the ill-fated stool to the trash heap.

What is the real benefit of this exercise? Firstly, it will help you understand how easy it is to manipulate other people with the help of words, secondly, having been in the shoes of a seller, you will understand how often real merchants praise worthless goods, thirdly, you will understand how and against what arguments you will have to defend in a real store.

Now you are ready to move on to the next step of the second exercise. This stage will take place in real life conditions. You don't need to immediately run to the store, just wait for the right opportunity when you go to the store or market with clear intentions to buy something. Before leaving, read again the two lists that you made earlier while performing the first, “training” stage of the exercise. Now, when you enter the store, you will be ready to confront beautiful speeches seller. Let him know that you yourself know perfectly well what you want. And he must also understand that his task is to try his best to fulfill your desire, since otherwise you will refuse to buy anything from him at all.

My personal time

The third exercise is most conveniently demonstrated using the example of my old friend Natasha K. Natasha is very sociable and nice man. It seems that she can communicate all day long, without getting tired or tired of listening to other people's problems or opinions. "It's simple. - says Natasha, - My time has long been divided into public and personal. Social time is the hours I spend talking and meeting with other people or with my loved ones, but all my friends and family know very well that two hours a day is my personal time. I spend these two hours alone, doing all those things, activities or events that somehow interest or worry me. At these hours, neither my husband, nor my mother, nor my children even come close to me.”

I suggest you, dear reader, to follow the example of my friend. Set aside some “personal” time for yourself. You will determine the boundaries of this time yourself. It can be limited to thirty minutes, or it can last up to several hours. The main thing is that you must strictly delineate these boundaries not only for yourself, but also for those around you. No calls or requests should sway you. To make it easier for others to come to terms with your decision, and for you to adhere to it more strictly, draw funny posters or simply write on sheets of paper in large letters “My personal time from .... before …. Please do not disturb!" and hang these posters in your home. Even if at first your " visual aids” will cause ridicule or criticism from others, then they will become something like family slogans. And no one will challenge your rights to personal rest.

The fourth exercise will help you cope with some shyness in front of your superiors or with the desire to look more worthy in someone else's eyes. It is most convenient to perform it at home, in a calm and cozy environment. This will make you feel more confident.

Calm Confidence

First of all, sit on the sofa, calm down and close your eyes. I warn you - you should not take a lying position, because you may fall asleep, and sleep is not our goal. So, you are comfortable and nothing bothers you. Place your hand on your chest and, counting your inhalations and exhalations, gradually slow down the counting, thus calming your breathing. Then, keeping one hand on your chest, place the other on your stomach and slowly massage the area around your belly button in a clockwise circular motion. After making ten to fifteen circular movements, begin to sway from side to side, as if moving behind your palm. Accompany the rocking with a low, viscous sound. This can be any sound - from a low moo to a scream. Don’t be shy, the main thing now is to throw out your negative emotions through sound. About five minutes after you start swinging, start saying the text. In the same melodious manner, trying not to change the tonality and strength of the sound, pronounce the phrases (each at least five times):

1. I am free/free.

2. I am confident in myself.

3. My confidence comes from my inner strength.

4. Mine inner strength growing, I feel it with my whole body.

5. My body is filled with strength and confidence, I feel it.

6. I feel my stomach warming with strength and confidence filling me.

7. I am warm/warm and strong/strong like no one else.

By doing this exercise three times a week for a month, you will no longer be shy in front of your superiors or try to look better in the eyes of others than you really are. This exercise will give you the calm confidence that you are protected by your own strength. And in relation to the topic we are considering, with the help of this exercise you will build an insurmountable wall protecting your personal space from any encroachment.

██ ██ Do you love yourself? If yes, then why do you need the “opinion of others”, don’t you have your own? There is no such thing as “the opinion of others.” There is simply a person who dictates his opinion to everyone! It's not you? It's a pity. You - wonderful person, but you are not selfish. Selfishness is the art of loving and respecting yourself, believing in yourself and achieving everything you want. Do you master this art? Put your opinion above the opinions of others, learn to make decisions and take responsibility for them. Feel the strength in yourself, become selfish! Model your life the way you want it, and you will see for yourself: your wishes will begin to come true, you will be successful, and most importantly, a truly happy person.

This article will talk about how build boundaries in relationships, as well as how to build boundaries with difficult people. The opposite party can be not only a husband or wife, but also any other people: work colleagues, friends, etc.

Imagine the following situation: a person comes for a consultation with a psychologist. married couple. She complains that he constantly raises his voice and calls her “bad names,” and he responds by claiming that he does this because she is constantly trying to control him and meddling in her own business. When they start discussing it, it turns out that:

• she really tries to control him because it seems to her that he pays less attention to her than before;
• he really pays less attention to her because she constantly “molests” and “nags” him;
• She really nags him because otherwise he won’t do anything she wants.

Here is one of thousands life situations related to building boundaries in relationships. As can be seen, affected emotions and behavior, and most importantly, responsibility for what you do in a relationship. Let's figure out how to properly build relationships with close and not so close people.

Laws and rules: for whom?

Boundaries are not for your neighbor, but for you.

The first thing to understand is that you are creating boundaries. not for another person, but for yourself. That is: suppose we're talking about about two adjacent states, in one of which you are the most important. You set the boundary line your his state, not the neighboring one. You define the rules of behavior and laws on his territories. The neighboring state will somehow establish and determine everything for itself without you, don’t worry.

You cannot control the behavior of other people, but you can completely control yourself and your life. That's why:

• Think about this: What is your status in this relationship? Are you subordinate, are you an equal, or perhaps are you in slavery?
• What are you willing to tolerate and what are you not willing to tolerate? What do you agree to and what do you not agree to?
• Establish what the consequences will be if something happens that you are not ready to tolerate or that you do not agree to.
• Remember that there is no point in trying to control another person, for example, by deciding thus: " Now you will never use rude words against me!"This has nothing to do with setting boundaries. Setting boundaries in this case would be, for example, like this: “ I am not ready to tolerate rude words addressed to me from anyone. If this happens in our relationship, I will immediately leave the room or end this conversation.«
• Boundaries can relate to emotional closeness or, conversely, distance. For example, your boundary could be set like this: " If someone is friendly and positive enough towards me, then I may open up a little and become closer to them.«
• New boundaries may need to be discussed with your partner. This is completely normal and may lead your partner to adjust some of their behavior. Or maybe not :) But you will already have an understanding of your own laws and rules.

Regarding that example about the two spouses in counseling at the beginning of the article: do you see that each of them is trying to lay down laws for the other? How could each of them be installed? your own boundaries and try to discuss them constructively with your spouse?

Another example: a spouse constantly, various reasons, is late for dinner. My wife and two children wait late into the night, disrupting their desired eating patterns. The wife repeatedly tried, through persuasion and threats, to force her husband to arrive on time, which caused a defensive reaction and aggression in the husband. As a result, the wife decided that she would no longer disrupt the children’s diet, which she informed her husband about, adding that dinner would be waiting for him in the refrigerator. After which the woman and the children returned to their normal schedule, not counting on her husband’s appearance—and not being angry with him for being late again. As a result, after some time, having warmed up a cold dinner for himself in the microwave several evenings in a row, my husband began to arrive more or less on time.

The concept “You are not me. We are different."

People were not created for you, and you were not created for them.

According to psychologists J. Townsend and G. Cloud, who wrote a bunch of popular books about boundaries, including the book “Marriage. Where is the border?” (Boundaries in Marriage), it is very important to understand that your spouse (spouse, friend, partner, colleague - whoever) is not an extension of you, and is not created to meet your expectations or fulfill your desires.

• Finally, give another person the right to live their own life. Make your mistakes. Err.
• Respect the other person's choice, even if you don't like it or wouldn't do it otherwise. Don’t be like one wife who made scandals with her husband every week about “ If you really loved me, you would go to church with me!«
• The concept “You are not me. We are different" allows you to develop respect, show empathy and ultimately makes it possible to build healthy relationships with other people.

Building boundaries with difficult people

Let's put it this way: building normal boundaries with difficult people is... difficult. Saying " Difficult person“, I mean the whole spectrum of various personality traits and character. As a rule, it quickly becomes clear to you that this is a difficult, complex person. That you will have to make efforts to build a constructive relationship with him, and, quite possibly, your plans for friendship and communication with this person will not come true at all.

The main reason for this, according to American psychologist Julia Hanks, founder of the Center for Family Psychotherapy, is the initial disrespect of difficult people for your boundaries. They may unconsciously or consciously deny you the right to any boundaries. Therefore, as a result, they will constantly violate your boundaries in one way or another and hurt you. In fact, it is often the case that this is the only strategy they know for communicating with other people. They simply do not know how to communicate in any other way - or are not able to.

So what to do if you have to deal with such people every day?

Keep your priorities in mind

The most important thing: when dealing with difficult people, always remember that your desires, interests, and you yourself as a person come first in importance in your life. As soon as you begin to doubt the importance of your own interests or, God forbid, the importance of yourself - that’s it, you’re “swimming”.

At the same time, complex people, like no one else, are very good at creating the impression of your own insignificance and insignificance. Your money, your time, your self-esteem, your future - that's what's on the line. This is your number one priority. So keep this in mind.

If you suddenly notice that after a conversation with a difficult boss, for example, you begin to doubt your own worth, here are some recommendations on how to correct the matter:

• Find someone close to you as quickly as possible who can help you regain your faith in yourself. This could be your parents, your spouse, your boyfriends or girlfriends. Make an agreement with them to spend time together. Even if you don’t discuss what kind of “radish” your boss really is, just the fact of communicating with people who are pleasant and close to you will help you regain your fortitude and self-confidence.
• Try to remain objective and honest. If you really mess up, admit it. If you allow yourself to treat people like “dirt” - well, that means this is also acceptable towards you. As for objectivity, try to remember that a person has many different sides: both good and bad. Yes, perhaps you are not a star in some ways and are not a world authority. But you probably do something else well, regularly and with pleasure. Remember what exactly you can do well.
• If your self-esteem has completely dropped, and no methods help to return it to its place, seek help at.

Be simple, kind, but...firm in relationships

Being firm does not mean being callous, humiliating or offending! This means sticking to your guns. Insist on it if necessary. Make it clear, directly, but politely, kindly, and maybe even gently. If necessary, calmly repeat what was said over and over again.

In fact, many people with complex personalities have difficulty identifying the emotions and reasons behind other people's behavior. Other people may seem to them to be overly confused individuals, overreacting, and in a completely incomprehensible way. So by communicating your position directly and simply, you can actually do a good deed for them: you will make it easier for them to understand the world around them. Perhaps they will thank you. A little bit. Somewhere deep down :)

For example, you could say this:

• Thank you for your time yesterday, but I don't want to develop this relationship. Please don't call or write to me anymore. I really wish you all the best in life.
• I have this rule: you pay for my services in advance. This is not to punish you. This is done to protect my interests.
• We agreed to meet at 5 o'clock. You didn't come and you didn't call. This is not the first time this has happened. That's why I don't want to make any more appointments with you. You must have had some important business elsewhere, but I don't want to waste any more of my time.

Don't fight the tornado: limit your time and walk away

No matter how often you would like to put a person with complex character to the place, after all, it’s better sometimes to just leave. Remember that some people can be too " ". Communication with them will lead to nothing but poisoning. You will not be able to re-educate them, correct them, cure them, or set them on the right path. Also, you will not be able to prove to them that they are wrong and are treating you unfairly. So remember rule number one, “Keep your priorities in mind,” and leave. End the phone call. Leave the room. Don't fight something you can't win anyway. (More

Many relationship problems begin with boundary violations.

And pointing a finger at someone else is useless here:

• It is YOU who did not define the boundaries of your personal space.
• It is YOU who allow it to be invaded without consequences.
• It is YOU who do not see the origins of the problem.

In this article, I offer you a simple algorithm for defining and protecting your personal boundaries.

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Every person usually has personal boundaries, or rather, boundaries of personal space, but not everyone has explored them, and they are not static and constantly changing.

If you feel comfortable in a particular situation, then everything is in order with boundaries, no - you need to declare the presence of them honestly and openly, saying your firm “STOP!”

Personal boundary- this is a clearly defined demarcation line between you and the people around you, beyond which you will not let anyone in under any circumstances, behind it is something intimate and inaccessible to anyone - your personal space.

What is personal space

Personal space- this is a set of purely intimate principles, morals, rules that you have chosen for yourself and consider this the norm of your existence.

When no one violates or forces you to violate these principles, you feel balanced.

Otherwise, discomfort is guaranteed.

Personal boundaries are grossly violated if:

• you always go to bed at 23-00 (otherwise tomorrow headache secured), and your husband decided to watch it with you interesting film after 22-00 lasting 2 hours;
• after 18-00 you do not answer calls related to work or business, but your manager calls you and asks you to provide urgent information or advice on some issue;
• on Sundays you must visit the swimming pool (fitness center), and without warning they brought you a granddaughter (nephew, dog...);
• can't stand it non-normative vocabulary, but the guests don’t speak differently;
• engage in spiritual and personal growth, and husband forbids, children criticize...

Before you get offended that your boundaries are being violated, you need to define these boundaries for yourself and begin to declare their existence to others.

But in order to build clear boundaries, you need to know the entire territory through which they pass!

Find out how to grow a sense of self-worth within in order to broadcast it in every action, thought, deed, in every situation.

How to Define Personal Boundaries

To set personal boundaries, you can use two methods:

Method #1. Individual rules

Sit down and write down all “your rules” by which you live with yourself.

Most likely there will be biblical ones here: do not kill, do not steal...

As well as other standards established for yourself, observing which you feel confident, happy, well, in general, what you need!

The rules are written according to the principle:

What you do and what you don't do. What concerns you personally and what doesn’t!

The rules could be:

• I work strictly from 9-00 to 18-00, evening time family only, home and yourself.
• On Saturday I do household chores and family, not a word about work.
• On Sunday there is only rest: active, passive, entertaining, creative. WITHOUT social networks and computer.
• I don’t answer any calls after 20-00 and I don’t call myself.
• If I don’t have time for a telephone conversation (communication, discussion of topics), I immediately tell the caller about it and reschedule the conversation.
• If I call myself, I first ask about the availability of time from the interlocutor.
• I don’t allow guests who come without warning (or I say that next time it is necessary to warn in advance), and I don’t go myself without agreeing on a date and time.
• Homework for children coursework I don’t do it for my husband.
• I don’t help without asking, except in emergency cases when a person cannot ask for help.
• I only talk about topics that interest me (no politics, personal discussions or criticism)…

Each of you will have your own rules. And they constantly change as you develop.

Method #2. From discomfort

This method works in reverse:

From serious discomfort to building boundaries!

When you experience some discomfort in communicating with this or that person and begin to understand that something is wrong here...

When, after heated speeches, requests, complaints, you feel like a squeezed lemon or your solar plexus is so twisted that you can’t breathe and you decide...

You mentally say:

"Enough! I don’t communicate on such topics anymore, I don’t fulfill requests, I don’t listen to complaints...!”

At this moment, a personal boundary begins to appear, beyond which you will no longer let this violator, and with him, others!

Of course, there will be plenty of people who want to violate your personal space, and you need to resist, regardless of personalities (moms, dads, husbands, children, bosses...), otherwise the feeling of discomfort and drain of strength will increase over and over again.

The Universe will thus encourage you to “BUILD” your personal boundary.

How to withstand the onslaught of loved ones

• If mom over and over again tries to interfere in your affairs, urgently gives you advice on how, what and when to do in a given situation...

Tell her that you can handle this situation yourself and that you know exactly how to do it.

• If a friend constantly complains about bad life or decides to discuss unpleasant news...

State: “Let’s talk about something positive” or “With me, only talk about good things or nothing.”

• If husband or children they begin to manipulate you with phrases like “You don’t care about me (you don’t love me)!” when you are tired or decide to pay attention to your beloved...

Your answer: “Of course I love you, but at the moment I’m very tired and I need 15 (30) minutes of time to rest and then I’m all yours...”

Write down all the situations that throw you off balance, systematize them, come up with your own stop phrases for frequently recurring situations that are present in your life.

In order not to fold next time, advance mentally replay possible (based on the analysis) conversation several times, write a stop phrase on paper or, better yet, learn it by heart.

Then it will be easier for you not to hesitate at the right moment.

And follow this algorithm every time you feel discomfort in communication!

As a result, you will receive your new set of personal rules.

For example this:

• I communicate with people, only with those with whom I am comfortable and interested, who elevate and fill me;
• I fulfill all requests only if I have time, strength and desire free from my plans, despite the manipulations of loved ones, managers and other individuals;
• I am not a “dishwasher” - everyone can wash the dishes after themselves, or according to a cleaning schedule drawn up and approved by the family;
• I am a Woman, and I can only bear weights up to 3 kg, I allow Men to take care of me;
• I work only from 9-00 (10-00) to 18-00 (19-00) on weekdays, then my personal time;
• I do not allow anyone to interfere in my personal affairs and I do not interfere in the affairs of others;
• Am I a vegetarian or vice versa - I eat meat whenever I want, and I won’t allow anyone to put pressure on me with their arguments...

When your boundaries are defined, all you have to do is follow your own rules and teach other people to follow them.

This is important to understand

There are personal boundaries not only you, but also among the people interacting with you.

A boundary is a line beyond which you cannot cross, both for your opponent and for you directly.

Because beyond this very border there is already his space, its territory, its rules.

He also does not want people to call him after 20-00, come to visit him without invitations, and give edifying advice on what to do...

Should this be taken into account?!

In order to finally learn to respect both your own and other people’s boundaries, you need to understand the reasons for what is happening:

What lies behind the desire to violate other people's borders and behind the connivance of an offensive movement on one's own?

How do you feel in these situations?

How to protect your personal boundaries

To protect your personal boundaries, I offer you a simple 3-step algorithm.

1. Feel when your boundaries are being violated.

By allowing others to invade your personal space, you are conceding your territory, pushing back (narrowing your boundaries), violating them, and “stepping” on your own throat.

Don't choke!

Most often, it is more difficult for us to resist the onslaught of people close to us or leaders.

As a rule, at the moment when you decide to do purely personal matters: go to a meeting with friends, visit a salon, or just sit in silence and meditate, a situation immediately appears that requires your close attention:

• mom demands to come urgently because her blood pressure has risen, or
• the child has a fever, or
• husband wanted to have a snack, or
• management urgently needed you to stay late at work...

And if you are full of strength, in a good state of mind and this does not cause any discomfort, but only joy, then you can easily pay attention to your loved ones and not only.

But if you are overtaken by a storm of emotions, your strength is running out, your body reacts, then it’s time to put yourself first and say yours:

"NO! Only after…”

Congratulations! You just didn't give YOUR power to others!

Note for yourself (by carefully and honestly looking inside yourself) what sensations you experienced in similar situations(fear, guilt, complaint...).

These emotions are worth working on. More on this below in this article.

2. Know when you are violating someone else's boundaries.

Are you sure you're not trespassing on others' boundaries?

Let's check:

• How often, with the “best intentions,” have you advised others to do such and such, because you know for sure that it is right, and you also proved that you were right;
• How many times have you given instructions to your subordinates, seeing that they can’t cope, and done it yourself (until you teach them...);
• How many times have scattered toys been cleaned up in the children's room, despite the fact that children should do this themselves (until you wait for them to do so);
• You work tirelessly, providing comfort for your husband on the couch;
• How often have we gotten into arguments between neighbors, co-workers, husbands and children...;
• The child has started making crafts, and you urgently need to send him to the store (the craftsmanship can wait);
• Mom meets with her friends for once, and you convincingly ask her to babysit the children.

Each time you do this, you VIOLATE (take over) the territory of others, you're invading into their personal space, depriving them of POWER!

It would be appropriate to remember the biblical: “Do not take the share of another upon yourself!”

And the worldly: “You will learn to respect the boundaries of others, no one will covet yours.”

For example: importance, dissatisfaction, superiority... or the same fear, guilt.

Ask yourself: Who do you put first in this situation?

3. Identify what drives you

You have already established what you feel when your personal space is invaded or when you enter someone else's territory.

It's time to determine what feelings are guiding you:

Feelings of guilt or shame

Quite possible in early childhood, you were asked to do something, but you didn’t do it, you got carried away, forgot... and you were very ashamed when your mother (teacher) scolded and reproached you, and you blamed yourself for the fact that your mother was so upset, offended, and maybe even cried bitterly.

And now, every time you experience these feelings when you want to refuse a request and cannot, what if your mother (friend...) gets offended, upset, and again you will be to blame.

This feeling gnaws at you from inside.

Excellent student complex

Or a hypertrophic sense of responsibility.

If they ask me, then I have to help, I always do all the tasks and always do it perfectly, I simply have to ease the lot of others and I know exactly how to do it.

Since childhood, we have been taught to do everything: “Better than everyone else, faster than everyone else, more than everyone else.”

I cannot afford not to do what I can do, even if it is to my detriment (and without even realizing that it is to my detriment).

All this comes from childhood and requires healing, since saying “NO!” it won't be painless without healing your inner child and past traumas.

Pride(cultivated ego)

I walked my own path, didn’t “step on any mistakes,” gained experience, read books and now I know everything, but you don’t. Therefore, “Do as I say!”

You gained wisdom only because no one stopped you from following your path, collecting its pearls, accumulating your own strength, others also need go your own way for your wisdom and strength.

Show your wisdom! Watch from the side, they will fall and support them!

And also, while respecting your boundaries, do not forget about mercy even at the moment when you have all the ingredients for help (time, energy, means...) to provide it by responding to the call of the person asking. Don't descend into simple 3-D egoism!

Having worked through all these feelings and gotten rid of them once and for all, you will be able to set your boundaries more easily and it will not be difficult for you to respect them, both your own and those of others.

And remember, when you respect boundaries, you preserve, and even accumulate, your own strengths, and allow others to claim theirs, since this whole process will take place without emotions, painlessly and even joyfully!

And just around the corner is NO INFRINGEMENT on your personal space!

IN business relations boundaries are no less important than in personal ones. They show others what to expect from us and what we consider acceptable or unacceptable. Psychotherapist Sharon Martin on how to install them correctly.

Most spend at work most own life. You deserve to be treated with respect by your superiors and colleagues. Boundaries are not a luxury; the physical and psychological condition, and family well-being as well.

What problems related to personal boundaries do you encounter at work?

This usually involves time, responsibilities, and various ethical issues. Here are some examples of boundary violations:

You stay up late at work, despite family matters and responsibilities, and work on weekends and during lunch breaks.

You are answering emails from work during non-working hours or during vacation.

Your bosses or colleagues treat you with disrespect.

You are not completely clear who is responsible for completing certain work tasks.

Colleagues or bosses often get too close to you, violating your personal space.

Your colleagues are often late, and you have to do something for them.

A colleague sends you emails that are written in a passive-aggressive tone.

You are required to do unethical things, such as falsify reports.

You are being shown unwanted sexual interest.

Why are personal boundaries needed in work relationships?

In their absence, we will have to work more than expected, we will have the feeling that we are not valued or respected. Boundaries help us and our bosses and colleagues feel better and more productive at work. They are absolutely necessary if we want to find satisfaction in our work.

What exactly is the benefit of reasonable boundaries:

Each employee clearly understands what he is responsible for.

The team maintains healthy and respectful relationships, improves employee morale and productivity, increases the loyalty of company employees, reduces staff turnover, and reduces psychological burnout.

All team members know what to expect from each other.

What's stopping you from installing them?

If healthy boundaries are so helpful, why aren't we always willing to set them? Work not only serves as a source of income, it also supports our self-esteem. Often we are afraid of losing it and don’t want to “rock the boat.” Perhaps we are afraid that we will be considered “problematic”, or that we will not be able to work in a team.

If we are not used to protecting our boundaries, we may be afraid to show confidence and achieve decent working conditions. We are afraid that if we say “no” to our bosses, we will harm our career growth or get fired. But it’s worth thinking about the consequences of not having boundaries. As a result, your health, productivity, and even family relationships suffer.

How to set boundaries?

Be clear about what you want. Before you demand to change something, decide what you can and cannot do and in what area of ​​your professional activity want to set those boundaries. Each of us has different needs, so while you might not see anything wrong with answering text messages from your boss on a Sunday, others might see it as an unacceptable intrusion into your life after hours.

Keep it simple. No need for long explanations. For example, if someone speaks to you in an inappropriate way (disrespectful, rude, aggressive, etc.), it is often enough to say, “You can’t talk to me like that.”

Don't be silent about problems. Don't wait until a problem drives you to the point of nervous exhaustion. The sooner and more clearly you explain what you are not happy with, the greater the chance that you will be listened to.

Remember that you have the right to say no. You have the right to refuse if you are asked to do something that is unacceptable or unpleasant to you or may cause great stress.

Exceptions and compromises are possible. Finding the right balance between rigid and flexible boundaries can be challenging. You must be willing to stand up for yourself, but don't shy away from the opportunity to compromise when appropriate. You may have to sacrifice something, especially if you are new to this job or profession. But remember the principles that you are not ready to give up under any circumstances. For example, you might be willing to work a few weekends in an emergency, but you won't tolerate it if your boss yells at you.

Don't expect everything to go smoothly. Most likely, you will encounter resistance from others. Don't be discouraged, any change takes time. Most colleagues will eventually begin to respect your demands. Unfortunately, there are also those who have no respect for others at all. In such cases, it is up to you to decide whether to come to terms with their existence or change your place of work.

Don't just complain, but offer concrete solutions. When criticizing, suggest.

Ask your colleagues for advice. If you don’t know what to do, consult a colleague with whom you have an a good relationship. Find out how he manages to maintain the optimal balance in communication, or brainstorm ways to find a solution to a problem together.