How to change the psychology of the victim. Woman victim: Tough situation or advantageous position? An adult woman always has the resources and opportunities to change her life. Here are some guidelines
First, let's open a little secret: unfortunately, the psychology of the victim is inherent in our mentality. Just remember Russian folk tales, for example, "Morozko" or the same "Kolobok", "Princess Frog", "Snow Maiden". Heroes often attract misfortune and sacrifice themselves for someone else. Moreover, fairy tales teach us that this is good.
And now the bad news: this is not good, and until you get rid of the victim position, you will not have a decent job with good bosses and a salary, no normal personal life, no good friends without a stone in your bosom. So let's talk about how to stop being a victim.
Who is guilty?
Victims love to blame someone for all their troubles. But in fact, researchers of such a phenomenon as the position of the victim believe that everything really begins with the family. But this is not her fault.The victim's behavior is rooted in a parenting style in which the child is accused of what he cannot be guilty of simply because he cannot control the situation. For example, they strongly scold a kid who, against his will, pissed himself in his pants. It also leads to the position of the victim by placing serious responsibility on the baby. For example, if a three-year-old is forced to keep an eye on a one-year-old younger brother. Of course, this is an overwhelming task for the elder, because he is still small himself.
Often, loving mothers who have had a hard time with pregnancy or childbirth load their children with guilt: “I suffered with you, I almost died while you were born,” and so on. The child cannot be born a second time, but the thought that he hurt his mother, that he is bad, that he did something wrong, has already stuck in the mind. Everything is aggravated by the fact that the child believes all the signals from the outside world literally. And then everything goes on increasing.
Experts who study victim syndrome in psychology believe that its owners are often looking for secondary benefits. So, unpleasant situations give people the opportunity not to do what they do not want. In addition, it is after unpleasant situations that we receive support from loved ones, a vest for tears, energy supply and just attention to ourselves. But life as a victim has no other advantages.
What to do with the secondary benefit? Surely it is associated with a negative attitude towards why you get rid of trouble. Roughly speaking, if your hands are constantly covered with eczema, then you will not have to wash the hated dishes. But you can change your attitude towards dishwashing. Sometimes this process becomes a source of inspiration (as was the case with the same Agatha Christie). So the skin diseases will go away.
Our beliefs
This is another whale on which the psychology of the victim rests. The belief that the world and people are dangerous translates into all of our behavior. And if dogs feel our fear by the smell of adrenaline, then the aggressor bosses, sadistic husbands, maniacs and thieves - by facial expressions, posture, tension, or vice versa relaxation. What we cannot say in words will tell the whole body language.What to do with fear, as the main sign of a victim? First and foremost, realize that fear is just a lack of information. Not knowing what awaits around the corner, we ourselves finish painting this reality with those brushes and paints that are in our minds. Thus, we ourselves attract aggressive people with our own negative thinking.
What can you do about it? Just remember those beliefs and thoughts that swarmed in your head during the period when everything was going well for you, when you had enough strength and when everything in life was relatively stable and predictable. Whenever possible, turn them on whenever an unknown arises in front of you.
Generic reasons
Here we just look at our parents and copy their victim behavior, repeating their fate. Sometimes, however, parents do become victims of cruel circumstances, but we look up to mom and copy her behavior. So several generations of women appear in the family, repeating the fate of each other.So, Katya's husband died in the war in 1942, leaving Katya with three children. The young woman had to raise the children herself in the time of hunger, being left without any male help. Her daughter Raya married an alcoholic who died young out of his own stupidity, as a result, Raya raised her daughter Luda herself in difficult conditions. Luda married a spineless and weak man who was lying on the couch and did nothing to help her, who raised two children on her own in the 90s ... Her daughters support spineless husbands and do not receive any help from them.
What to do here? Only work out the generic reason with a psychologist, since each such case is individual. Well, and realize that you are not obliged to live like a mother and have the right to your destiny.
What else will help?
- Never show your concern, because this way you will definitely fall into the clutches of the aggressor;
- Forget about false decency. They prevent us from defending ourselves. Sacrifice often develops in those people in whose family the rules were dictated by the strongest, and the child was forced to obey (or provoked an inept rebellion). So the fear developed in us that if we tried to protect ourselves, it would be even worse.
You cannot disturb your elders because of your problems and distract them from solving their own problems, otherwise you can seriously get involved. This is how people grow up, convinced that it is indecent and not to bother people with requests for help, to "swing their rights", to shout.
It will be inconvenient for such people to express their suspicions of the dishonesty of their bosses, they take on unnecessary responsibilities so as not to offend their neighbors, etc. This is all false decency. To throw them back, learn to quickly navigate the situation and quickly figure out how serious danger threatens you. Then you will be able to adequately respond to the aggressor;
- Live here and now, because such people are less likely to become victims than immersed in their experiences and thoughts.
In fact, getting rid of the victim position is a long and hard job. You may have to lift a lot of those layers that you don't want to touch and even admit the unpleasant truth about yourself, but life will also become easier.
Hello dear readers of our blog! Question from Elena: Somehow it turns out that in my life I always find myself a victim, I get into addiction, I suffer, but I cannot escape. There is always a person who is trying to crush me, a tyrant or someone who wants to somehow use me. Of course, I myself am to blame, perhaps I'm just too kind person. Please tell me how to stop being a victim? ...
I think everyone knows the classic psychological game "executioner-victim", which is played by many, often, by the way, changing roles. But few, even experienced psychologists, understand the true reasons for the emergence of this game, these roles. Where does the victim role come from? What is it based on? What are the internal attitudes of a person? And what do you need to work with in order to stop being a victim and say goodbye to the role of a poor, unhappy, dependent and insignificant person?
Benefits should also be mentioned here. After all, no game or life role is taken out of nowhere just like that. If a person plays at something, it means subconsciously, and sometimes quite consciously, it is beneficial to him.
Therefore, the first thing to do to free yourself from the oppressive role of the victim - answer honestly to yourself, why is it profitable for you to be a victim? what do you get, what are the benefits?
Each person may have his own set of motives why it is beneficial for him to be a victim: someone, like a masochist, gets pleasure when he is psychologically whipped, humiliated, etc., someone just loves to suffer and feel sorry for himself, so a victim is his favorite role, someone thus shifts the responsibility for his life onto others, justifying himself, they say, “I can't change anything, I'm a victim, and they oppress me, what can I?”, etc.
Remember: if it is profitable for you to play such games, and if you are not honest, sincere with yourself - you will never stop being a victim and you will not be able to change anything in your life for the better!
"I am the Victim." The Role of the Victim and its Reasons
The essence of the Sacrifice role - to be weak, dependent, and unable to change anything in yourself and your destiny.
The victim is a weak person or someone who pretends to be weak, who does not benefit from being strong. The victim relinquishes responsibility for his own, for his life and for everything that happens in her, thereby saying “Nothing depends on me, I am a victim, I do not influence anything, and I can not do anything, they influence, but I do not, they have power over me, but I have no power over myself and my destiny ...”.
Any successful person, a world-famous coach will tell you the following “In order to change yourself and your life for the better, the first thing to do is to take 100% of everything that happens in life into your own hands”. Gotta tell myself “I am the cause of everything that happens to me in my life and no one else, and only I can change everything, only I have the necessary power for this”.
If the role of the victim is the main role of a person in life, then most likely the core has not been formed in him, the core of a strong, successful, self-respecting person. And this core needs to be formed.
- I recommend an article on this topic -.
The Basics of the Victim Role (Reasons):
1. Unwillingness to take responsibility and be responsible for everything that happens to you 100%. It manifests itself in the desire to blame other people, fate, circumstances, the world around, the weather, etc. in all their misfortunes, failures, sufferings.
2. The habit of suffering, masochism, a life of dark and heavy energy. A habit is a powerful thing, and in order to change it, you need to really make a responsible decision that you do not want to suffer and want to live differently.
4. Low self-esteem, self-disrespect, self-dislike. If a person is not delighted with himself, if he does not respect himself, if there is no inner dignity in him, he automatically begins to cave in under others, creep under their feet, assuming the role of a victim, a slave, a nonentity, etc. Read the articles about these weaknesses and how to get rid of them:
5. Separately, we can single out purely karmic reasons. when the habit of being a victim has its roots in the past incarnations of a person. When, for example, he was a slave on plantations and was accustomed to perceive himself as a slave. In this case, in order to remove the habit of being a victim, most often it is necessary to work with in order to cleanse the karma of past incarnations, to find and realize all the root causes, etc.
How to stop being a Victim and control your own destiny?
This requires work on yourself. I am sure that this algorithm will help you:
1. It is necessary to honestly answer for yourself the questions “why is it profitable for you to be a victim?”. Answer this question in writing and find any negative benefits you get. Recognition, the ability to see your problem as it is - this is 50% of its solution. When you see a problem and say, “yes, I have it,” you gain power over it.
2. Identify the root causes of your victim role. It will be either low self-esteem or something else. Next, write a short plan of work:
- what do you need to get rid of, what shortcomings (from irresponsibility, disrespect for yourself, etc.).
- what it is necessary to cultivate, to reveal in oneself (dignity and, quality “responsibility”, etc.)
Work through these shortcomings and qualities in the relevant articles (by links).
3. Determine, describe in detail in your workbook - in what role you want to live, communicate with people, how you want to feel in this new role. This new role must be strong, the opposite of that of the victim.
4. If you find it necessary - you can turn to me for individual help, as to or to a Spiritual Healer. Email me at if you need Healer contacts for work.
I offer your articles on a related topic:
Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky held a lecture-consultation "Psychology of a Victim" in the Chocolate Loft, where he told why a person begins to act to his own detriment, whether it can be corrected and how to raise a child so that this does not happen to him.
1. How to recognize the victim in yourself and others
Victim psychology is a certain behavioral stereotype developed under the influence of fear. Fear can become entrenched as a result of psychological trauma from any situation experienced in childhood, not necessarily a consequence of parenting.How does the victim behave? For example, if a girl walks alone in a quiet night courtyard and is afraid and hears footsteps from behind, clearly not female, then she begins to turn around and accelerate her step. Our "animal mind" often, regardless of our upbringing, perceives such a gesture as a signal to "catch up with me."
When you are asked to sit down and you say, "Thank you, I will stand," you behave like a victim. When a woman lives with a boyfriend who is not only not going to get married, but is not even eager to take her to the movies, but comes only at night, and she does not like it, but she endures - she is a victim. For this reason, he does not want to marry her.
When you are yelled at at work, and you have a loan, three small children and your wife is unemployed, so you are silent, clinging to work with all your might, you behave like a victim. The victim's behavior consists of unconscious, almost uncontrollable little things that provoke the opponent to aggression.
If you delve into a person's childhood with the psychology of a victim, then, most likely, it turns out that they did not reckon with him, did not pay attention to his merits and achievements, but poked at his shortcomings. In addition to fear, a person with the psychology of a victim feels resentment and humiliation.
Sometimes this leads to the fact that with weaker people he can behave rather harshly: he needs to win back on someone, get satisfaction. The main problem of the victim is that she lives without getting pleasure from life: she has the philosophy of a survivalist, she constantly thinks about how not to run into problems. But when a person thinks about possible problems, he "attracts" them to himself.
At school, they usually stick to those children whose insecurity is betrayed by gestures and posture, they walk hunched over, with their socks inward, clutching a portfolio to themselves. Another distinguishing feature of the victim is that she often tries to please everyone, never refuses to anyone and does a lot to her own detriment.
I will tell you one scene in which the victims recognize themselves. You are a young healthy man and you are on the subway. You are very tired, travel far, and you want to sit. You sit down, but a grandmother stands in front of you, who with her bag starts literally poking you in the face. After a while, you give way to her. “Why am I a victim in this case? - you object. - I may want to give her a place, because I am decent and I was brought up like this - to give in to the elderly.
If you really want to give in to your grandmother, then you are not a victim, I will not even argue. The victim is the one who does not want to give in because he was tired, but in the end he got up. The first thing that woke up in you is a feeling of guilt for the fact that you are sitting, and she is standing.
Second, being dependent on the opinions of other people, you begin to look at yourself through the eyes of these people traveling with you, and think: "Here is a bastard, I, young, am sitting, and a poor woman is dying right before our eyes." You feel ashamed. And now you give way to her.
How could you have done otherwise? - you ask. That's how. The old woman is hardly deaf and dumb, and if she needs to sit down, she will say: "Make way for me." But the old woman does not ask, she is proud and believes that they themselves should yield to her. However, no one owes anything to anyone. Therefore, she should have asked - after the request, few people refuse.
But if, without waiting for this, you yourself run ahead of the locomotive and, even being mortally tired, fly out of your place like a traffic jam, catching the eye of a disgruntled old woman, then you are a victim, this is a fact.
2. How to communicate with the victim
- How to behave with a person in whom the victim is clearly guessed in order to help him?You have to behave the way you want. No need to help him. If you start doing something to the detriment of yourself, then you have the same problem as his. It is worth accepting a person as he is. Don't criticize. You can support him. It is worth remembering that people are animals. They often provoke to behave with them in a certain way.
You have probably heard the story of the tiger Amur and the goat Timur: the goat, which was thrown into the tiger's enclosure as live food, was not used to being afraid of someone and calmly went to the predator to get acquainted, and then took his house. That is, he behaved like a leader. And for several days the tiger did not touch him.
Victim's vocabulary: “Oh, forgive me, please, won't I bother you? Nothing, will it be convenient for you? I don't take up a lot of space? " It is these constant apologies from victims that encourage people to behave aggressively with them.
3. How not to grow a victim out of a child
- How to behave with a child if you notice signs of victim behavior in him? For example, does he apologize too much and hesitate to take the last candy from the table? How to explain that there is polite behavior, but there are excesses?The line between polite behavior and the behavior of the victim is easy to detect: the second begins when a person does something against his will. For example, when a child wants the last candy, but refuses, this is bad.
If a child has normal self-esteem and considers himself good, he does not see anything reprehensible in taking candy. He considers himself right. It is important for yourself to be right, and not in comparison with the norm of social behavior for evaluating other people.
Once I was visiting a relative from Canada, there were three children at the table, and just the last piece of candy was left. The father of the family without a twinge of conscience took it and said golden words: "They will still eat their own, we will die before."
You cannot frighten children with a policeman who will take them away and other nonsense. No need to pull them back in the spirit of "oh, what have you done, because of this, such a horror can happen!". You should always take their side, even when they are wrong.
But the most important and most difficult thing is not to be a victim yourself. The fears of adults are transmitted to children, so if you do not want your child to be a victim, behave confidently around him. Imagine what children see and hear of people who are constantly complaining. After all, they listen to telephone conversations, see how their parents communicate with other people in public places, and believe that this is how it should be.
My daughter somehow wanted to go to Disneyland, I promised her, and we drove off. There I saw a huge scary "roller coaster" on which the trailer hangs for a few seconds in a loop and the passengers find themselves upside down. I looked at him and thought: "Why did I come at all ...", then I decided that we should definitely take a ride, since we came, because if my daughter understands that dad is afraid of something, she will also start to be afraid.
Don't let fear take over. If you are involved in an accident, by all means, as soon as you can, get behind the wheel and go to the scene. Was there an emergency landing? Take a new ticket immediately and fly. In Israel, when a bus is blown up again, a huge crowd of people gathers at the bus stop after a while - they all want to take the bus again to overcome the panic.
My daughter is 14 years old. Probably, I was too categorical with her, and I see the features of a victim in her, there is no self-confidence in her. But I raised her the same way my mother raised me. When I asked my mother to evaluate my work, she said that I could have done better, and I notice the same in myself. Is there anything you can fix now?
You behaved as best you could. You make mistakes in communicating with children, not because you did not go to my lectures before giving birth, but because you are such a person, and you have such a psychology. And your mom is also not to blame for her parenting style.
As for this "you could have done better" - keep in mind: a parent criticizes a child, a husband, a wife, and so on for only one reason: when we belittle the successes of a neighbor, we strive to raise our self-esteem. When we say “you can do better,” we position ourselves as if we can definitely do better.
The problem is not how to behave with the child, but how to change your psychology in order not to behave like that anymore. This is a separate complex topic. Everyone wants a quick recipe, but there isn't one. It is not so easy to get rid of your neuroses, your insecurities, ambitions and complexes that make you tell your child that he can do better.
You need to strive for a state of unconditional love, that is, for the kind when you love your child, regardless of how well he is in school, what he is and how he behaves. So that the child is not tied to your assessment, so that there is no situation in which, if he received a deuce, he is bad and you seem to dislike him, and if an A, then everything is fine.
Because this addiction is entrenched and leads to problems in adulthood. You can be happy or worried about his grades and tell your child about it, but grades should not be the yardstick of your relationship. In general, take care of yourself first, break the behavioral stereotype that your mother developed in your childhood.
4. What to do if you are a victim
- Since early childhood, I have developed a difficult relationship with my parents, and although now communication with them is minimized, when interacting with them I instantly begin to behave like a victim. That is, I try to do whatever I want to be good. I have similar behavior in dealing with other people. How to get rid of this?The most important thing is to solve the problem with the parents. Once you do this, it will be much easier to correct communication with others. First, you must outgrow your parents. Because while you communicate with them the way a child communicates with an adult, you are dragging children's stereotypes with you and react to your mother's call as if you are five years old and events are taking place in the senior group of a kindergarten. No matter how much time passes, these stereotypes will persist.
And if you meet a man who will evoke "childish" emotions in you, he will also evoke childish behavior in you. The same will happen with colleagues and with bosses at work. In order for your parents to start reckoning with you and perceive you as an adult, you must begin to communicate with them as an adult - with older people, and not as a child with a mother and grandmother. It is not simple. It is necessary to force them to communicate on their own terms: "I love you, but I will not talk to you about this and this."
When I try to control my behavior and not "slide down" to the victim, I notice that it is impossible to control for a long time. How to be?
It is useless to control, because a person has two hemispheres, and together they do not function: you either worry or you think. The victim's behavior is behavior that is brought to an automatic state. An example from school: when a rabbit sees a boa constrictor, it has a muscle spasm, it becomes numb, and the boa constrictor eats it.
This is because, through the ancestors of the rabbit, the brain's reaction to the outline of the snake was transmitted. If at that moment someone could stick a needle in the rabbit's leg, he would die and run, but only there is no one in the forest. Likewise, no one can stick a needle in a person when he begins to behave like a victim, so he works out a child's behavioral stereotype from start to finish. Trying to control it means trying to rationally solve emotional problems.
There are several rules to help you overcome victim psychology: try to do only what you want, not do what you don’t want, and you should speak up right away if you don’t like something.
Because the victims never speak right away, they love to cherish this feeling of resentment inside so that they explode in a year. If you start to follow even the first rule, your behavior will already begin to rebuild. But for this you will have to stop thinking, for example, about what people will think if you will lose loved ones if you start doing what you want, but this is your life and you decide.
If a person was raised as an “exemplary” victim in childhood, what can help him? Psychotherapy, auto-training, pills?
You can try to help yourself on your own, if it doesn't work out, then you should contact a psychotherapist. I am skeptical about auto-training, because, as you know, no matter how much you say "halva", your mouth does not become sweeter.
Tablets should be used only when psychosomatic symptoms appear: hand tremors, sweating, flushing of the skin, arrhythmia, tachycardia, hypertension, gastritis, pancreatitis and other problems with the pancreas and stomach, irritable bowel syndrome, hormonal changes, problems with neurotransmitters, etc. Further.
In such cases, when your behavior is already pathological, that is, it begins to interfere with the work of internal organs, it is worth going to a psychiatrist for pills.
As long as the problems are only at the behavioral level, you can train yourself to overcome your fear. For example, at one time I taught myself to walk in dark courtyards at night.
My daughter served in the Israeli army, and once they had a meeting with a woman who went through the camps. She began to tell them about gas stoves, and suddenly the soldiers who were listening to this interrupted her and began to say: “Why did you behave like sheep - they cut you, and you yourself fell into a ravine? You dug your own graves, undressed yourself and went into these gas chambers - why are you telling us all this? "
To be honest, I was taken aback, because I am a Soviet person, for me this topic is sacred, and I did not understand how it is possible to enter into an argument with such a woman. But Israeli youth, unlike this European Jewess from Germany, have a different psychology: they have no fear. They said that if this happened to them, they would certainly have taken two or three fascists with them on the way to the gas chambers, because even with your bare hands you can kill several people until you yourself are killed.
These people have a completely different psychology than those who obediently went to death. When you live and are not afraid, you are freed up a lot of emotional resources, because 90% of the victim's emotions are spent on guessing whether to expect an attack from a potential executioner, and trying to figure out how to avoid possible problems.
Many people have paralyzed not only their will - they do not even have the idea that something can be corrected.
What to do for those in whom the psychology of the victim is expressed through authoritarian, aggressive behavior? I was born in a small Siberian town where everyone fought, even girls, and I was always afraid of being beaten.
Childhood passed, and I began to notice that in business negotiations, God forbid anyone to enter into an argument with me - I immediately have a desire to bite and crush my opponent. I am worried that I have many chances to marry a henpecked or raise a henpecked child.
Many people become defensive, worrying in advance that they will be humiliated. In Russia, in principle, people do not smile on the streets for this reason: everyone has become accustomed to aggression since childhood and, just in case, make a “brick face” so that no one pesters.
Although people experienced in street fights, on the contrary, believe that such a facial expression is a sign of weakness, confident people behave in a relaxed and very calm manner. People who are aggressive in advance are also trying to control everyone.
To get rid of this, you must again get rid of fear, learn to let go of the situation and not speak until you are asked. It’s hard to keep silent at the same negotiations until the word is given, but as a result, you will be released.
Try, as the athletes say, skipping a beat that you may not be responding to. The more you can skip, the longer you pause, the more confident you will respond. We shout at children for fear that they will stop obeying, and at work we shout, because until you take all subordinates by the throats, they will not start working, right?
People who are not afraid of anything, do not try to build anyone, they know that the situation is under control, and if something does not go according to plan, they will be able to deal with it.
5. Victim and family relationships
- Does a man raise his hand to a woman only if she behaves like a victim?Not necessary. But if a woman is not a victim, this will be her last experience with this man.
Over the past few years, I have met the same type of men who tell me the same thing - about how their wife nags them, how hard it is at work and how she eats their time, how everyone around them is offended, but when me, they realized that this was fate, now their problems will be solved and I will save them. Moreover, such a man can be quite successful, look good, his name in society can be significant. What's the catch?
Such men toil because they need a "tough female hand", but the women they like need a partner with whom they can be weak, this does not happen, and this is unnerving. The only way to protect yourself from a relationship with an unsuitable partner is to disappear after the first disturbing phrase like "I feel so bad ...".
My husband tells me that I have victim behavior: I am constantly trying to get attention and receive care. Am I a victim?
If you are constantly complaining, then your husband is absolutely right. This way of communication also exacerbates the situation. Some neurotics have a big problem: for them love is combined with a sense of self-pity.
Let's say a little girl loves her dad, and he behaves aggressively, always comes home drunk, but she still loves him and at the same time is afraid. She feels sorry for herself, because her beloved dad communicates with her like that, and this self-pity for her is love.
When such a child grows up, he builds relationships with other people in such a way that as a result of their behavior one can feel offended and complain - and complaints are the essence of the relationship with the husband.
You say you only have to do what you want so as not to be a victim. But how then not to turn the family into a sports school in which everyone is fighting for the last candy? Where is the line between generosity and conformism and the moment when you begin to yield to another, not because he has the right to defend his interests, but because you began to behave like a victim?
Maybe I am a maximalist, but I am for you to do it based on your own need. For example, there is one candy, and I adore my wife so much that I really want her to eat it - in this situation, there is simply no line beyond which the victim's behavior begins. Either you want her to eat it, and you give in to her, or you just got married unsuccessfully.
Another example: at home there is a pile of unwashed dishes, you both come home from work tired. You can agree in advance about who washes the dishes, or you can love your husband so much that your hands will reach for the dishes themselves. Of course, no one wants to wash the dishes - they want their husband not to wash them. You will say that this does not happen. It happens if your family is an equal relationship between two adults.
Another thing is that the victim is very rarely in such a relationship, because she will be looking for her “soul mate”. In fact, when a person is self-sufficient, he understands that independence is also happiness, only without love.
When both partners feel completely complete, they do not need anything from each other, and they understand that it is just good for them to live with each other. Then the dishes are washed together. But when a person has psychological problems, the relationship with the spouse is skewed.
A person has a wife and children, but in marriage he is not very comfortable, and there is a relationship on the side. But he does not leave because of the children. Is the decision to stay a fatherly duty or a sacrifice gesture? If you act like “not a victim,” that is, only the way you want, will not all families fall apart?
This rule - to live as you want - applies to any area of life. I feel sorry for my wife, I feel sorry for the children - people with neuroses always try to rationalize their ideological choices and come up with explanations for themselves.
The tragedy is that children live in a family in which mom and dad do not hug, do not kiss, the situation in the house is tense. This situation is humiliating for everyone: for a man who keeps in the family only because of an ephemeral sense of duty, for a woman who lives with a man who does not love her. So trauma awaits children in any case.
It's not for me to decide for you, but after a divorce, the condition of the children may be different. They can also feel relief, because their parents are no longer spouses, but simply mom and dad, and now they have nothing to share.
I have a beloved woman, and during the time that we are together, we have accumulated a certain amount of claims to each other and a feeling of mutual fatigue. I don't know whether I need to part with her, or stay, because I really love her very much. How can I solve this problem by removing the fear of losing a loved one from the equation and understanding what I really want?
It is necessary for three months to clearly follow the following scheme: not to have sex (with others - please, with each other - no), not to discuss relationships - neither past, nor present, nor future - and not discuss each other. Everything else can be done: go on vacation together, go to the movies, go for a walk, and so on.
A period of three months is given in order for you to feel if you are better together or apart. So you can tell your girlfriend that you went to a psychologist and he gave you a recipe that can solve the problem.
If we talk about your situation in more detail, then your psychological instability is obvious. You are so psychologically arranged that, as Lenin wrote, you have one step forward - two steps back. Therefore, in order to get rid of problems in relationships globally and forever, you need to attend to the issue of your mental stability.
What does it mean to be a victim
These signs will help you understand that you are in the position of the victim.
1. You have no control over your own life.
The victim is forced to think, behave and even dress. The steering wheel is almost always in the wrong hands.
Victims are primarily those who spend their lives under the dictation of other people. They discover that they are doing things that are deeply unsympathetic to them, or they are drawn into activities that are alien to them, which mainly bring only a feeling of regret.
2. You are acting from a position of weakness
People with a victim complex often feel that they are not smart enough or capable of being proactive. Therefore, they choose a position of weakness: they shift important decisions to others, stronger and more solid, in their opinion, people. Victims avoid independence even in small things: they give up the right to choose a dish in a cafe or obediently go to a movie that they do not want to watch.
3. Life doesn't work for you
If it seems that you are wasting all your energy and time to please others, are forced to adjust and do what you do not like, out of a sense of duty, then you are in the position of a victim.
4. Anxiety and self-deprecation are your companions
The victims suffer from an inferiority complex. They belittle themselves in every possible way in internal dialogue and in front of other people. This shows up even in small things. For example, a person does not accept compliments, leaves a burnt piece of pie for himself, or agrees to.
Alternative behavior: free and strong personality
The opposite of the victim complex is the state of freedom of the individual.
Freedom means that no one bothers you to manage your own life in accordance with your choice. To settle for anything less is to choose one of the forms of slavery.
"How to get rid of the victim complex"
Do not fall for the tricks of people who suggest that freedom is selfishness and irresponsibility. Responsibility is the result of a choice, you take it upon yourself voluntarily. In no case should she lie down on you at someone's whim or under pressure from society.
“The freest in the world are those who are in harmony with themselves: they simply do not pay attention to the claims of others, because they themselves effectively arrange and direct their lives,” - writes Wayne Dyer in his book.
How to get out of the victim position
1. Believe in your importance and defend it
The first step to overcoming the victim complex is realizing the value of your personality. Do not let anyone dispute or belittle your importance. Never put yourself below others.
2. Begin to act like a strong person
Develop the habits of free and independent people, get rid of self-condemnation and complaints about life. Do not expect gifts from fortune, rely on your own strength.
Practice confident behavior in everyday situations
To become a strong person, you do not need to perform feats or control others. It is enough to act from a position of strength in ordinary life situations. Practice regularly, and over time, confident behavior will become second nature to you.
Here are some tips to put into practice on a daily basis.
1. Stop asking permission from others
This, of course, is not about forgetting about politeness and invading other people's boundaries. A bad habit of victims is that they ask permission for actions that are within their boundaries and should be performed without someone else's permission.
Be clear about your legal claims or openly communicate your intentions. Instead of the question "Can I exchange an item?" put the seller in front of the fact: "I want to return the money for the suit, it is not my size." Don't ask your partner if you can go to a party or a football match. Communicate your plans directly, without excuses or guilty tone.
You are an adult and you can act in your own interests without someone else's permission.
2. Demonstrate Confidence in Conversation
Look your interlocutor in the eyes, speak clearly, without long hesitant pauses and interjections, do not go in circles. Posture and facial expressions are very important. Stand up straight (stoop is a sign of an insecure person), do not grimace, get rid of nervous gestures.
3. Don't help people if you don't want to
This may sound rude. But how many times have you already lent when you didn't want to? Or how many times have you listened to comrades' complaints about life simply because it is supposed to be? Refusal does not make you a bad and callous person. Remember, if you act like a victim in helping other people, you will be used. Do good deeds from a pure heart and free will, not out of decency or guilt.
4. Don't be afraid to talk about yourself and share with other people
Victims often pick up on every word and fear that any information will be used against them. Don't torment yourself with these kinds of fears. Years of fear to show your true nature in public leads to the fact that you forget who you really are and what you want.
Communication is meaningless and empty if you do not open up to other people.
Of course, the information must correspond to the situation and the degree of trust between the interlocutors. Don't go to extremes. The ability to maintain balance is another sign of a strong personality.
5. Demand high-quality performance of the services for which you pay
Check store receipts, restaurant bills, expiration dates and product safety. If you are unsatisfied with the quality of our services, do not hesitate to claim replacement or compensation. Don't let the people you pay turn you into a victim. Do not brush off and silently leave the store or restaurant - demand quality service, a replacement dish or a refund.
Learn and exercise your consumer rights. For your money, you have the right to get a good product or delicious food. This does not mean that you should argue and create scandals anyway. The client can always vote with a ruble - just refuse to pay for poor service or spoiled goods. Going to a restaurant or store that doesn't put you at anything is the lot of the victim.
To say goodbye to the role of a victim once and for all, it is enough to make a firm decision to take your life into your own hands. Independence, confidence, a sense of one's own importance - these are the basis of the behavior of a free person. If you decide to bring this to life, then Wayne Dyer's book "How to Get Rid of a Victim Complex" will be a great help.
Only your ability to Consciously overcome difficulties, and not that,
how long can you sit with your eyes closed and watch
beautiful images will show how developed your Consciousness is.
Eckhart Tolle
Everyone wants to be happy. There are hardly any people in the world who do not want this.
But most feel unhappy because of the prevailing the role of the victim.
It is impossible to be a victim and achieve success at the same time.
If a person forms the consciousness of a victim in himself and broadcasts it to those around him, he thereby repels success, love and happiness from himself. It gets in the way in life.
So what is the victim state? How to define it?
Bonus to readers:
No one becomes a victim without their own will. Human allows himself the victim's consciousness to settle in it.
The benefits of being a victim
Although the person feels unhappy, there are hidden benefits to the victim state that they don't realize.
The victim does not take responsibility for his or her life
A person sincerely believes that all the sorrows in his life are not due to his fault, but due to external circumstances. So sacrifice disclaims responsibility.
The victim is convinced that any circumstances affect her life: the opinion of others, the past, the environment and the family in which the person was born.
Everything affects, except for the choices and actions of the victim herself.
This situation gives the right to do nothing.
After all, if the developing circumstances do not depend on a person, and he is not the creator of his life, then any attempts to improve his life are meaningless.
The victim will not take action to change the situation. She always finds excuses for her inaction.
She is desperately convinced that she will not succeed, then why do something.
The victim needs attention
A person mistakenly believes that self-pity can cause attention, sympathy and love in the people around him.
When he fails to create a relationship, he mistakes self-pity for love.
Therefore, the victim will whine, complain about life, tell how bad everything is with her.
The victim, as a rule, always has a reason for this: little money or a lot of debt, a bad husband (wife), naughty children, hard work, something hurts somewhere, etc.
Such a person believes that no one understands him, all the people around him are bad.
The victim always whines and thus pours some of his negativity onto others. But at the same time, she is not ready and will not be able to do something to change her life.
If the victim is given good advice, she will find excuses and excuses why the advice does not work for her.
Since her goal is not to solve the situation, but get some attention.
Through suffering, the victim emphasizes his importance
Suffering, the victim realizes his chosenness, although he may not admit it.
The victim revels in spiritual anguish, she is a great martyr. It is in this that the “importance” and peculiarity of the victim is manifested.
Often women try to increase their value by sacrificing themselves for love. At the same time, they do not understand that this sacrifice makes them unhappy.
Because a person will not be happy if he sacrifices himself for the sake of someone or something.
As a result, she will only hate those for whom she sacrificed herself.
Self-sacrifice for the happiness of a child or a husband's career often leads to thoughts: "How can he do this to me, I did so much for him, I lived for him!"
Sacrifice for the sake of others will push the love and joy of life out of a person's life.
An unhappy person will not benefit anyone, no matter how much he wishes. If he himself is unhappy, no one will be happy with him.
It is wrong to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others. Exactly the same as it is impossible to force other people to sacrifice themselves for your sake.
The victim is unaware of the benefits of his position.
Therefore, if you try to explain to her that it is time to take action from whining, that it is enough to revel in your suffering, the victim will be very offended by you.
The victim state has potential
Most people begin their development through adversity, from a victim state.
There comes a dead end when a person realizes that he can no longer be in such a situation.
It is too painful and hard, everything is enough, it is urgent to change the way of life and the environment.
The position of the victim is needed so that a person began to act.
Any unpleasant situations in a person's life do not happen in order for a person to succumb to circumstances, but in order to overcome the next stage of development and reach a new level.
Fear of illness or the loss of a loved one, when a relationship breaks down, can become a driving force and push to get out of the state of a victim, to develop.
When close people create difficult situations, provoke conflicts, this happens so that a person pays attention to what does not correspond to him in his life.
Close ones highlight what no longer fits into a person's life.
Why people don't want to give up the victim role
People are afraid of the thought that they will have to change something in life: lifestyle, circle of acquaintances, work.
After all, a happy person thinks differently, lives in a different environment, in a different environment, and people are not ready for such changes.
A person cannot imagine how it is to live without the usual illnesses, troubles, without such native suffering and lamentations.
As a result, the victim prefers to stay in a comfortable environment for him and refuses pleasant changes.
He finds excuses for himself that any changes are unattainable for him in order not to act. Instead of doing something, taking some steps, a person sits and suffers endlessly.
By clinging to the state of the victim, a person only harms himself. The choices made determine his future.
And being in a state of sacrifice, a person commits actions by which he removes happiness, love and joy from himself.
When unpleasant events occur in life, this makes a person feel unhappy, a victim.
And in this state, he attracts only negative events. A new portion in the form of painful situations plunges him into an even greater state of the victim.
The events that take place in his life seem to be fixated on the negative. It turns out a vicious circle.
Read about why you don't want to live your real life and how to start appreciating your experience.
How to get out of this cycle?
Until a person realizes that he himself attracts certain circumstances into his life, that everything good or bad that happens to him is his own creation, any efforts to help him on the part of others will be futile.
Coming out of the state of a victim and taking on all responsibility, a person is able to cope with any troubles in life, establish relationships with others, heal the physical body, get out of the most impassable financial hole.
How to part with the usual image of a sufferer, let's talk with you.
Your comments will be appreciated. Tell us if you are able to notice situations in which you play the role of the victim.
