Rough moral pressure. How to resist employer pressure in case of illegal dismissal. Psychological pressure: protection against manipulation in several steps

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It is not uncommon, despite numerous team building companies and organizations, full-time psychologists in almost every seedy company that sells retail paper clips, a general softening of the morals of the 21st century. So, when joining a new team, every newcomer should be prepared for mobbing or bullying towards themselves, just in case. These two words, unpleasant to the ear, are even less pleasant in the essence of the phenomena that are hidden behind them. Mobbing
It is customary to call collective bullying of one employee by the majority of others or a group of other employees, with the tacit consent of the others not participating in the collective bullying. Bullying

The same is the definition for individual bullying, when one bullies another, and the rest do not participate. The reasons for this behavior may be different. Very often, the factor that pushes one person or group of people to start a full-fledged company to squeeze someone out is the most common envy. The victims of this kind of aggression are the most successful and fortunate members of the team, in whose hands the work always proceeds, and each of their undertakings is accompanied by success. The boss is literally in love with such a person, and recently gave him leave ahead of everyone else, during which “this upstart” went to warm countries

, together with his happy family, while the rest sat sadly in the winter office, poring over reports. Should immediately Mark

that the goal of aggression is always the purposeful squeezing out of a person from a given group with the help of psychological attacks, although this goal may not be recognized by the aggressors. It is likely that they do not consciously set any specific goals for themselves; they are simply pleased to “push this arrogant person” or “put this snob in his place.” This could, of course, result in unsightly behavior on the part of the newcomer himself. Many newcomers, as soon as they join the company, begin to imagine themselves as great experts in their field and, from the heights of their own inflated authority, try to steer local customs, work rules and attitudes that are more than one year old. Such people also receive sharp rebuff, as a rule, immediately from most of their new colleagues. The demonstrative behavior of such people is often combined with arrogant arrogance and simply a unique talent for infuriating others with the very fact of their presence in the room. It may seem that such comrades are rare, but in fact one such person is easy to find in almost any company. They are eternal targets for psychological kicks from their own colleagues, and, as a rule, they cannot even understand why they are so disliked.

Still gets it sycophants, newcomers who just joined the team and immediately determined for themselves that they would “work for the bosses.” From the very first days, such people begin to fawn over their own boss, causing contemptuous glances from equal rank employees of the company. Of course, no one likes sycophants, so it is not surprising that they are regularly attacked.

Another case - victim behavior, or as it is also called, the victim complex. This is a situation in which one employee begins to behave like a victim, which, if there is at least one potential aggressor in the team, inevitably leads to bullying, and if the complex is strong enough, then even to mobbing. Victim behavior manifests itself in constant admiration for superiors, self-deprecation in front of other employees, complaints about own life, on one’s own mediocrity, stupidity, disorder and weakness.

Manifestations from psychological pressure in a professional environment there can be many. So, the most common way of bullying is simple ridicule. Constant teasing, caustic remarks and comments that throw you off balance and gradually pick at cracks in your self-esteem.

It can also be of different types sabotage: concealment important information necessary for work, destroying important data on your computer, organizing missed deadlines, ordinary sabotage, such as “accidentally” spilling coffee on a report that is ready for submission, and so on. They try to put a spoke in their wheels so that all responsibility falls solely on the outcast.

Another way- ignoring in personal communication. An employee who is “squeezed out” from the team, with varying degrees of demonstrativeness, may not be invited to a birthday party, some kind of farewell party associated with the retirement or dismissal of another employee, sometimes even to corporate events.

Sometimes in mobbing, along with employees, management also participates. Although, it would seem, if you don’t like one of the employees, why not just fire him? But very often people act irrationally, hire someone they don’t like, and then they themselves fight with him. Therefore, there is no point in waiting for mercy from others, there is no point in trying to “endure” and wait until they fall behind. You need to take at least some action on your own.

The best way to start fighting mobbing And bullying What you are exposed to at work is to read everything written above, recognize yourself in the types described and begin to take action to stop behaving this way. Stop being a victim, force yourself to respect. This can be done with a sharp retaliatory aggression, which will be followed by a long period of “siege” - emotional blockade and ignoring any attempts to egg you on. Aggression is needed to show that you have not given up and put up with ridicule, but simply consider yourself above it, they got you and you are no longer involved in it. Saying it out loud is also a great idea. Well, and, of course, stop behaving in a disgusting way, work on respect not only for yourself, but also for others. And try to cover up your own achievements if you see that they cause black envy in weak hearts.

In our society, it is generally accepted that violence can only have physical fitness. While psychological pressure on a person sometimes harms even more than bruises and abrasions - because it leaves wounds on the soul. Psychological pressure can have the most different shapes- from relatively light ones, like persuasion, to severe ones - when a person is driven into a corner and pushed into self-destructive behavior (it is almost impossible to get out of such a state without the help of a specialist).

The source of such pressure can be anyone - a boss, an employee, a spouse, a neighbor, even a stranger.

Moral pressure can be applied for some purpose - for example, to force a person to do something that the “aggressor” needs, or maybe without any particular reason, just to get rid of someone.
It is possible to identify it in time, but it also happens that a person becomes aware of the pressure after he has broken down psychologically.

How to resist psychological pressure, what to do if you find yourself in such an unpleasant situation? This article is devoted to the main tactics.

Tip 1

• Types of psychological influence To suppress the will of another person and get what you want from him, techniques of varying degrees of “dirty” can be used:
• Pressure on emotions and feelings– for example, feelings of shame, guilt, fear.
• Intelligence can be connected- usually in this case, the counterpart selects a number of arguments in his favor in advance and bombards his interlocutor with them, without giving him the opportunity to object.
• Pressure can be applied “to the forehead”– when a person is forced, blackmailed, intimidated.
• Pressure is exerted by the “aggressor” not directly, but through circumstances, which the attacker is able to influence. For example, this could be a boss who worsens the working conditions of a subordinate, or the breadwinner in the family. Contrary to popular belief, pressure can be exercised not only from a position of strength - say, when a person is physically strong, he has money and power. But also from a position of weakness. For example, when a person complains about his
• hard life and begs him to help, usually backing up his begging with tears and repeating them many times. Humiliation– also a common form of pressure. With it, a person, often publicly, is insulted, pointing out the characteristics of his

• personal qualities, intellectual abilities or appearance.
• Stepping aside – perhaps the most insidious type of psychological pressure. It lies in the fact that the person being attacked feels pressure, but the “aggressor” immediately loosens his grip, as if he had not planned anything. This behavior does not allow you to clarify the relationship directly - because the sly one can make offended eyes and ask: “What did I do to you, why are you doing this to me?”, but at the same time it unsettles you. Suggestion works great if
• pressing party - a person who is an authority for his counterpart, and the “victim” herself is a person who is easily influenced.
• "Take it weakly"– is also a very common type of pressure, the difficulty of which is that it is carried out secretly, and a person may not understand for a long time that he is being used.

Realize

This is the most important step towards combating psychological pressure. Of course, if it is carried out directly and openly - for example, when a person is intimidated, it is easy to notice. But more sophisticated approaches, for example, manipulation, persuasion, sidestepping, can be more difficult to track. We can be an instrument of someone else's will for months or even years without even knowing it, especially if we're talking about

about a loved one.

• There can be many signs that we are being pressured. For example:
• The interlocutor's constant desire to focus attention on a specific problem.
• Suspiciously generous promises.
• Unreasonable feelings of guilt.
• The emergence of a sense of duty towards a person who has provided a certain service and now asks to respond in kind. Moreover, often no one even asked him for such a service.

Tip 3

Cards on the table

If the pressure is carried out covertly, and a person realizes that he is being pressured, he can immediately openly tell the “aggressor” about it. In this case, many attackers will immediately retreat as soon as they realize that they have been exposed.

It is rare, but it also happens that a person stops pressure as soon as the party he has harmed directly declares that he is behaving aggressively and suppressing someone weak.

There are people who don't like to admit it. Although most attackers, unfortunately, will not be bothered by this - they are well aware of what they are doing and often do not deny it.

Tip 4
Your own option
When things are called by their proper names, you can offer your own version of the development of further events and the preservation of relationships, if they make sense.

An option that will suit both parties.

Tip 5

• Show teeth
• Usually people who cannot fight back are subjected to psychological pressure. Thus, in order to reduce the risk of coming under pressure, you need to become stronger yourself. You can strengthen your character and ability to stand up for yourself in a variety of ways. For example, the following tools are effective: Working with a psychologist and psychotherapist. Sports – doing more
• strong body

, we also strengthen our internal resource. For example, martial arts and team sports are good. Communication with strong and self-confident people and the opportunity to follow their example of how to behave with others. person, those around him are afraid to attack him. At the same time, strength should not be displayed, but others should feel it. Figuratively speaking, there is no need to wave a saber in front of people, but if they see that its handle is sticking out from under the cloak, they will be more restrained in their actions and statements.
Tip 6

Ignore

If psychological impact carried out by someone in order to see the reaction of another person and feed on his defenselessness, vulnerability; it is enough to begin to demonstrate complete indifference to the words of the offender, and he will calm down. This works, although not very often.
Tip 7

Have a heart to heart talk

It also happens that psychological pressure is exerted by a person who wants to take revenge. For example, today's victim once offended him.
In this case, if there is reason to believe that the pressure on one’s own psyche is carried out out of revenge, you will have to step over yourself and sort things out.

Tip 8

Get support Sometimes psychological abuse

takes on truly terrible forms. For example, at work, in office life, sometimes a phenomenon called mobbing occurs - when one of the employees, for one reason or another, is subjected to mass bullying from colleagues.

In this case, you can try asking for help - for example, your boss, in-house psychologist or HR manager.

These people can help understand the reasons for the current situation and influence it.

Tip 9

Slam the door Often this is the most correct solution

. If possible (for example, the person doing the pressure is not your own two-year-old), sometimes it is right to simply cut off communication.

Conclusion Conclusion To put psychological pressure on others, the most

different ways

For the five hundredth time, are you reproaching yourself for succumbing to yet another provocation and getting hurt? Because in five years you still haven’t gotten out of the role of errand girl and errand boy? For the fact that you were going to do one thing, and now, thanks to pressure from a colleague, you are again doing something incomprehensible? Know that they are influencing you.

What is psychological pressure on a person?

People are not able to coexist peacefully: if they do not fight with machine guns for the sake of “oil, sea, snow,” then they organize psychological wars. Moreover, it is not known which is worse - in America alone, victims of moral bullying at work commit suicide more often than for any other reasons. And therefore, just as physically, many boys and girls specifically attend combat self-defense courses, and socially, it is simply vital for everyone to learn how to resist psychological pressure - this is possible.

Because: “No one is capable of offending you without your consent” E. Roosevelt.

It’s bitter, but true - if they can put psychological pressure on us, it means we ourselves allowed it. And even if you are threatened, always remember, an empty barrel rattles loudly, and a dog that barks is not yet ready to bite. Typically, real criminals do not make threats - they quickly get to the point, and if they make threats, it means they are trying to come to an agreement with you. But if you have to withstand psychological pressure, but there will be no reprisals for refusal, you can safely resist the manipulators.

How to overcome psychological pressure at work

But the situation is more complicated. The most unpleasant thing that can happen during career growth is office work. Those. psychological pressure on a person (most often a newcomer) in order to force him to write a letter of resignation. This is what many companies do with pregnant women who don’t want to pay maternity benefits, this is what they do with new employees the team doesn’t like, and this is what they do with those who don’t behave correctly. But the methods are mostly the same: insults, frame-ups, reporting false information to superiors, complete ignorance, and much more.

Here it is already useless to try to wage war or attack the aggressors in response - if a scandal breaks out, the boss is unlikely to sort out the squabbles: who is right and who is wrong. This is why most foreign firms in similar situations they fire two people at once - without understanding the situation. But in Russia there is no such practice yet, and therefore you will have to act alone.

So, in order to resist psychological pressure at work, first you need to determine who from the team is most respected by management, whose opinion is trusted - and establish relationships with them a good relationship. After all, not everyone is capable of mobbing - still, some part of the team is simply silent, while others sympathize in their hearts, but do not express their doubts openly. These are the people you need to establish a good connection with first of all: joint dinners, projects, evenings. And gradually your circle of friends will expand (if you are good man), until two or three main offenders remain on the sidelines. And without the support of the crowd, they won't last long.

It’s worse if the boss himself is involved in mobbing. For example, to remove a person from a position. Then, if you have a desire to fight, and your nerves are strong enough, Right way- pretend to be a “hose”. Those. pretend that you don’t understand why there are suddenly so many complaints against you, because everything was fine before - don’t reveal until the very end that you understand that they are simply surviving you. And not every boss is able to tell a person “go away” to his face if he is not guilty of anything. And such “inhibition” of the subordinate confuses him. You simply refuse to play his game, and not everyone has the courage to call a spade a spade. As a result, there is a possibility that they will leave you alone and take care of a more “savvy” subordinate.

How to fight back against a professional manipulator

But what’s easiest is to fight back against a real manipulator. Amazing, isn't it? Of course, for a person not familiar with psychology, this is almost impossible to do. But here we will reveal the secrets.

So, any manipulation - complex or simplified - is always based on the principle S => R, which means “stimulus leads to response.” And the entire psychology of a manipulator when putting pressure on a person is based on knowledge of typical reactions of people to certain stimuli. And they manipulate these reactions, quietly forcing a person to do something against his own will. Resisting such influence is not as difficult as it seems - the main thing is to do it correctly: not to give the reaction that is expected - intentionally. Those. if they try to make you cry, laugh or joke. If they make jokes, get angry. If someone is being slandered, abruptly abandon the conversation. And without the necessary strings to pull, the manipulator will not be able to do anything - this is an excellent defense against psychological pressure and emotional attack.

Study psychology, develop as a person, learn to give psychological resistance - these are invaluable skills in our world.

Hello again, dear friend!

No matter what they say, our daily work is largely stressful. Competition, rush jobs, endless business plans and the desire of management to “motivate” employees in all available ways, rarely reminiscent of intimate conversations. How to resist psychological pressure at work?

In the previous article, we discussed what psychological wushu is and why it is important to master psychological self-defense techniques. Protection can be more active or passive, but one way or another it is necessary.

Some people prefer to simply remain silent. These are possible responses to psychological pressure, but not the best. For:

• When they begin to put pressure on us or provoke us, a wave of emotions rises inside. If they cannot be curbed immediately and the emotion crosses a certain threshold, sometimes it results in angry tirades, and more often they cause numbness and lightness. shock. And therefore a lot of stress.
• The image of a person who is unable to withstand pressure is not the best. All and sundry will put pressure on you, without fear of anything.

- We know everything about you!

Most people roll their eyes and say, “What exactly?” At the same time, they begin to become noticeably nervous.

- Very good. So my story about myself will take less time than expected...”

Possible uses of this technique:

A non-standard idea, I'll have to think about it...

I'll think about how to take this into account in my work...

I've already thought about this, but haven't come to a clear conclusion yet...

External agreement means that you agree with some part of what your partner says.

- Only a person like you can waste a lot of time talking with such partners!

- Yes, potential partners are really so-so...

You agreed. But only with part of the sentence. And you saved face, and your partner has no reason to escalate confrontation.

Broken record technique

The broken record technique is based on the “three Cs” rule or the “German Sergeant Principle”.

1. First say what you want to say
2. Then what exactly did you intend to say?
3. Then say exactly what you said

Essentially a repetition of the same thought. The fourth time, most likely, you will be heard.

It is better to choose a phrase in advance. It should be capacious and it would be appropriate to repeat it several times.

For example:

Why did you take an employee from my department to do this work without approval?

I had no other choice...

You put me in a stupid position!

I understand. But I was in a hopeless situation...

Why do you think you have the right to do this?

Sorry, I had no other choice...

Stubborn Professor Technique

The point of this technique is to express doubts that performing the actions that your partner suggests does not violate your personal rights or beliefs.

Why do you find fault with your words every time?

Pedantry is an important part of my nature...

Options for using technology:

This is one of my beliefs...

If I do this, I will stop being myself...

This doesn't fit with my rules...

I have some prejudices, but they also help me find the best solutions...

All four techniques we have discussed, three today and one in the previous article, are techniques of counteraction, not confrontation. They allow you to nip an emerging conflict in the bud and transfer negative energy into another direction. At the same time, “save face”, save your nerves and relationships with your partner.

Have a nice day!

» The ability to say “No”

© Christina Valko

Time to say "No"
(About psychological pressure and manipulation)

"Whenever I say yes, I see in advance
how much “no” will it cost me?
Stanislav Jerzy Lec

Probably every person has at least once found himself in a situation where he had to say “no.” But he didn’t dare and ended up dragging behind him a trail of dubious responsibility, uninteresting and unimportant things to do, dissatisfaction with himself, or just a vague feeling of “something is wrong here.”

Life is full of such situations:

• Beloved grandmother, persistently donating her priceless 30-year-old carpet, earned “with sweat and blood,” to your new wonderful apartment;
• The boss, who again assigned an unpaid overtime task with an imperturbable look and again specifically to you;
• A friend for whom you became the last hope of borrowing money/putting in a good word with someone/drinking because of his latest breakup - for the third time in a year and “I knew you wouldn’t let me down”;
• The wife's aunt, confident that it would not be difficult at all to travel halfway across the city to feed her cat while she was relaxing at sea;
• The seller from whom the last one was purchased useless thing, because he was attentive, kind (and fluent in sales techniques);
• And so on.

Why is it so difficult to refuse other people, even knowing full well that you won’t get anything useful out of this idea?

Agree or refuse is a double-edged sword. And if you still answer “no,” this also has different consequences. You can lose your “goodness” in the eyes of people. Get exposed to open aggression or secret condemnation. To really upset someone. It is impossible to shift responsibility for your decisions and life onto others (the positions “My parents chose the university for me, and now I work as an economist and am dissatisfied with life” or “I am so busy caring for my family that I don’t have enough time for myself” will no longer work).

But still, human resources, material and mental, are limited. And our task is to in the best possible way distribute and multiply for development and happiness. It is important to remember that the more time and energy spent on other people's desires, problems and tricks, the less is left for your own interests and affairs. The more self-sacrifice occurs for the sake of loved ones and the responsibilities one takes on, the more dependent they become on “the one who dedicated his life to them,” and he becomes dependent on control over them. The less free will to say “yes” or “no” remains under the pressure of fear, shame, guilt, etc., the more aggression, tension and dissatisfaction with oneself accumulates inside. Undoubtedly, helping loved ones and being humane is important and good. But not to the detriment of yourself. The ability to say a conscious “no” in a number of situations is an important skill.

In addition, reliability and indulgence of others have a bad effect on self-esteem and, paradoxically, on relationships with these people, since getting used to manipulating you, they increasingly see a “thing” rather than a person, and begin to “ride” more and more often.

According to the concept of A. Maslow and E. Shostrom, each person in his own ratio contains a manipulative and actualized part of the personality. The manipulation part is aimed at using others, control, pressure for personal gain. Actualized is creative, spontaneous, perceives herself and others as individuals, and respects the needs, values ​​and feelings of people. There is a variant of extreme manipulators, as well as people who have achieved good mental health - actualizers. But more often in some situations people can act as manipulators towards us, in others we can, or the manipulations are mutual and not always conscious, so condemnation is not the best option for the psyche. At the same time, self-respectful, open behavior (including the right to refuse) can inevitably actualize a communication partner who is inherently humane and not indifferent to you. And identify those who openly use you and your resources only as a means, no matter what beautiful motives sound from their lips.

“No, I don’t mind, I just don’t agree”
Maya Chetvertova

What is behind the fear of refusing your interlocutor?

There may be several reasons. It is important to understand what motivates you in a particular situation:

1. Healthy fear before physical/mental violence, humiliation, insults and other negative experiences, when a yielding strategy of behavior helps to soften the situation. When choosing between the option of agreeing to give the robber your wallet or suffering physically, the correct option, of course, is to take care of your life. When dealing with a boorish seller, a person in an inadequate state, an aggressive group, or being in a morally depressed state, it is not at all necessary to defend your rights at any cost (although in the case of rudeness and rudeness, confident reciprocal aggression is more likely to have an effect than goodwill). The situation must be determined common sense. There are internal resources to resist psychological pressure - defend yourself, refuse, defend yourself, if they are not there - agree externally, retreat, draw conclusions. And most importantly, don't judge yourself.

2. Fear of rejection. It seems to a person that if he does not agree with others, then he will be treated poorly and will not be helped in Hard time, contacts will be lost. This is especially acute with significant people, because everyone wants to be accepted and loved by loved ones. Such fear “grows” from childhood, namely from that period when the child unconsciously decided that “they only love me as long as I am good.” And the most terrible myth for a person’s self-worth arose: “love must be earned.” That a human being is loved not for who he is, but for how convenient his behavior, his manifestations are to “loving” people, and otherwise (here fear arises) - “he will be punished and deprived of love.”

Of course, this is not true - no one has yet achieved sincere love either good character, neither attractive appearance, nor a bank account. You are either loved or not. And rather, it depends on the ability to love within the “loving” person and his choice of you, rather than trying to please at any cost. But this is a beneficial myth both for a market economy, where a person is valuable to himself as a “good,” and for totalitarian regimes, where it is not even about the loss of approval, but about the loss of one’s head.

A small child under four years old very clearly and confidently says “no” to everything he doesn’t want right now, and it can be difficult for parents to cope. But if he is punished too harshly, his manifestations are suppressed, people endlessly fear for him and control him, he learns to treat himself and his desires in much the same way. Significant adults may not have conveyed educational process that “Now I’m angry with you because you did something bad and will be punished, but I still love you,” or even worse - they themselves were raised on the myth “love must be earned.” Then the fear of being rejected can be very strong in life. We get used to agreeing, being good, or, as an alternative, constantly exploding with aggression, protest, refusal of connections, which does not always work with adolescence or develops into cynicism. Manipulations in the spirit of “If you don’t behave properly, then... your mother will not love you / she will feel very bad / they will give you to another uncle” - plays on children’s feelings. They are harmful and lead to the fact that in adult life there is little awareness of the abnormality of the consumer attitude towards oneself and others.

If you find yourself with such a fear, it is important to realize: no matter how people react to disagreement with them, those who care about you will not abandon you. Those close to you will not stop loving, and with confident, repeated behavior, over time they will recognize the right to be like that too. Respect will come into the relationship. Only “false” friends will distance themselves. Relatives should be accepted as they are, without losing yourself for their good.

3. Fear of offending. A person can really be offended by a refusal, worry, or show a different reaction. You need to give him the right to do this and prepare in advance. You can express your refusal in a mild form. Those who have been successfully pressured using feelings of guilt, shame, and debt are more afraid of offending. If your partner gets his way by “hooking” you emotionally, it’s worth figuring out whether the refusal will really entail serious consequences for the other party; perhaps important obligations have been taken (the refusal to pay child support is clearly not justified by the fact that “ ex-wife wants to manipulate me"), or they simply want to gain power over you in a situation. “If you are like this, I will leave you”, “I have put my whole life on you, but you are ungrateful”, “If you really love me, then...”, etc. - these are provocative phrases. There may also be provocative silence.

There is a fear of offending. But those who shout loudest about their wounded feelings usually care least about others; and about what the person accused of all “deadly sins” experiences in relation to loved ones. Take care of yourself - don't give in.

4. Lack of self-confidence. The reasons are closely related to the fear of being rejected and offended. Overly self-confident, arrogant behavior, by the way, is the “other side” of insecurity. Healthy confidence has reasonable limits. Insecure people may be afraid of encountering hostility, rudeness, or aggression if they say “no.” They rarely allow themselves to be assertive, to get angry, and if they do get angry, then to the point of rage. But they often get irritated in comfortable conditions, for example, at home, over little things (soap getting wet in a soap dish and hysterics about it - that’s it).

The aggressive charge does not go away, so if it is not shown to the real addressee, constructively and in a timely manner, it accumulates inside until it becomes impossible to control. Then he vents on his relatives, with rudeness in in public places, humiliation of the weak. Or it undermines health, turning into psychosomatic illnesses. There is such a concept - auto-aggression. This is aggression accumulated and directed against oneself. It manifests itself in a craving for self-destruction, masochism, alcoholism, depression... Taking a passive, infantile, trouble-free position can cause harm to health. Aggressive feelings are not initially bad; they activate the body to fight and protect itself. Having forbidden yourself anger as a “bad” thing, you begin to be afraid to refuse, because internally you remain defenseless and cannot stand up for yourself. Therefore, it can be useful to communicate your true feelings (of course, without losing your head and insults), since a person does not always understand what exactly offends another.

Life throws up many reasons for stress. If it is not possible to express such feelings directly (as with your boss), you can find an outlet for tension in creativity and sports.

If you are still afraid to refuse, fearing rudeness, “moral bullying” and so on, then at least admitting to yourself a feeling of anger at this state of affairs and tearing a couple of sheets of paper to shreds is already a good step.

5. Stereotype about “decency rules”" When parents and close circle teach “good manners” and impeccable politeness with strangers, then these beliefs interfere with a firm “no” later. Self-esteem and confidence may be fine, but what works is the belief that being fail-safe is the right thing to do. You have the right to reconsider your beliefs on your own, to change the rules taken from childhood.

6. The need to be indispensable. There is a hidden benefit from the fact that you are considered very flexible; over time, they cannot do without you; they are accustomed to counting on you, undoubtedly. This can please your ego. Or reduce the fear of losing important contacts. Or give the opportunity to reproach “I do so much for you.” Feel your influence and even power over the destinies of others (“They can’t do without me,” “Everything rests on me”). Is it worth it? Everyone decides for themselves.

1. If you are not sure of your desire to do something, do not rush to agree. We are often rushed to answer, without allowing us to really understand our attitude and understand the question. You can say “I need to think”, “I can’t answer you right now.” Watch your interlocutor's reaction. If he is nervous or, on the contrary, extremely self-confident and tries in every possible way to persuade him to make a decision immediately (“Promotion for this wonderful tour is only today!”, “Either now or never!”) - be careful.

2. Before you say a firm “No,” you need to feel determined. Otherwise, the interlocutor will press harder. That is why it is advisable to gain time. But when you have already decided on the decision “Yes” or “No”, cut off doubts and act. After all, you can hesitate for a long time. To make it easier, write down on paper the pros and cons of refusal and consent, and then choose a more attractive option. If they are approximately equal, there is even less reason to worry about “did I do the right thing.”

3. When it is difficult to say “No” directly, you can resort to the phrases “Unfortunately, I am not able to help you,” “Maybe another time,” “Thank you for asking, but I can’t.” You can soften the refusal with a compliment (“You are charming today!”, “You are so competent”), ask your interlocutor about something pleasant (“How did you relax at sea?”). If he is friendly towards you, he will accept the refusal less painfully. It's good to end the conversation on a positive note.

4. To get away from the influence of a partner who is too oppressive, move away from him physically (go around the table, go to the window), use closed protective poses (crossed arms, legs) - they will reduce susceptibility; break his concentration on you with a sudden illogical question, exclamation, or switching his attention to the menu in a restaurant, a magazine, a window (your nails, after all). His attention will follow you, at least for a little while. You will have time to get ready. An old psychological trick is to imagine your interlocutor from a funny angle: without clothes, with a thin voice, etc.

5. Be prepared for the fact that if you are manipulated, they will not easily give up on you. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into emotional experiences. They can put pressure on pity (“You can’t bring a glass of water to a poor mother in her old age!”, when we are talking about completely different issues), on shame (“ Normal person he won’t do that”, “What will people think”), guilt (“Do you remember, once upon a time...”), pain (“Your dead father would not have allowed this!”), fear (“You’ll dance with me! ") And so on. They like to use the words “always”, “never”, generalize, and refer to outside opinions. Listen without getting drawn into showdowns and evidence of “whose truth is truer,” because that’s what the manipulator needs. When his stream of words dries up, calmly repeat the refusal, briefly indicating the reason. Everything can start over 3-4 times, repeat “No” and maintain composure.

It will be difficult at first. Then it’s much easier, because it’s a matter of experience.

Of course, there are important issues where your consent serious help for a person. And just agreeing to do something good is very nice! This article is not at all a call for callousness and categoricalness! And for blocking the way to unclean intentions, manipulation and pressure.

6. Caustic remarks and insults are simply a desire to get even “at least this way” and a sure sign of your victory. What remains for the manipulator? To prick at least with the fact that “It’s impossible to agree with you,” “What’s the point of arguing,” “Yes, they told me what kind of person you are, but I didn’t believe it.” Treat it accordingly.

7. Finally, if you have time, I recommend that you familiarize yourself with “Ten Psychological Human Rights” by E. Shostrom. Information is available on the Internet and greatly facilitates the understanding of one’s own and others’ free will. After all, just like economic, political, social rights, there are also psychological rights. But it is not in everyone's interest that we use them. Good luck!

© K. Valko, 2012
© Published with the kind permission of the author