Forms “you” or “You”: correct address to the interlocutor. Where did the appeal to “You” come from?

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Ekaterina Sivkova

In the “Digital Etiquette” section, Look At Me talks about how to behave correctly and politely on the Internet. In the new issue we talk about how to still address other users: “you” or “you”.

Don’t be shy about using your first name on the Internet: the philosophy of the Web denies hierarchy.

How it works English-speaking users do not face such a dilemma: there is “you”, and there is no need to think twice about addressing a stranger online. On the Russian-language Internet, everything is much more complicated: there is “you”, “you” and constant observance of subordination because of this(we will deliberately ignore people who use “You” for some reason) . But considering that different ways

appeals are the building of a certain hierarchy, the question arises: is it logical on the Internet, which seems to equalize everyone, to start from a possibly outdated system of divisions into “you” and “you”?

On the contrary, you should not expect a respectful “you” if the opportunity to comment on your posts and photos is given to anyone you meet The Internet has provided freedom of access to information, which means it has destroyed existing social barriers or at least protected the virtual world from them. Users became not only equal - they were given the chance to become whoever they wanted on the Internet: to change their appearance(put an avatar of your liking) and choose any name(come up with a nickname)

. Usually, “you” is appropriate and highly desirable when addressing people older in age, in the social hierarchy, and just strangers. But on the Internet, these factors do not play a big role and can be easily falsified. Of course, in countries with the same linguistic features as in Russia(eg France, Italy, Spain) , “you” in the virtual environment gradually dies away, and that’s all more people They address each other only as “you”. Internet researchers and communications experts believe that it all depends on the boundaries that you build yourself: if you protect yourself with privacy settings and are not very communicative in discussions, then, of course, “poking” from other users is traumatic for you. On the contrary, you should not expect a respectful “you” if the opportunity to comment on your posts and photos is given to anyone you meet. But the general trend is aimed at making all users equal, including linguistically. You can, of course, use “you,” but you’ll soon be in the minority.

It’s worth thinking about how to forge steel in Rus'.

How to address: “You” or “You”? It seems that by saying “You,” we express our respect for a person - it is customary to address superiors and strangers as “You.”

But why then do we say “You” to our loved ones? Do we really respect them less than those strangers?

Isn’t it strange: everyone addresses God with “You” (...hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done...), and to every petty boss - with “You”?

Is the Creator of all that exists worthy of less respect than any passerby to whom we say “You”?

Do we address saints with “you”, and sinners with “You”? Paradox…

Maybe it’s not a matter of respect... But what is it? To understand this, let's go back in time.

Where and why did this weaving come from?

Indeed, in all ancient languages: ancient Greek, Latin, ancient Slavic - the address was only “you”, this is understandable: if there is only one person, then you need to speak to him in singular: You.

As far as I remember, for the first time one of the Roman emperors demanded that one of the Roman emperors address oneself as many – as “You”. And if the emperor is called “You,” his courtiers think, “then why am I worse? let’s use “you” for me too. And a wave of pride went from top to bottom: each such “navel of the earth” began to imagine himself as a “little emperor” and demand the same “honors” for himself: “I’m not just me to you, there are many of me now, I’m now We!” And this fashion has reached such a point in Europe that now in English language In general, there is no longer a single “you” left; everyone has become multiple “You”.

Of course, in Rus', from time immemorial, people addressed each other as you. They even called out to God: “You.” They said “you” to Ivan the Terrible, and he was not offended, because this is a natural, normal address - “you”, generally accepted then: to address one person as one.

Weaving came to us relatively recently, in the times of Peter the Great, as a kind of Western fashion, a newfangled trend. Then Peter I introduced many Western customs into the Russian consciousness by order. And weaving was one of them. Although it might not have taken root in us at all - it would have remained some kind of foreign curiosity, but in 1722 Peter I introduced in Russia the “Table of Ranks”, according to which all those higher (by rank) had to be addressed as “You”, and called some kind of “Your Highness.” And for violating this rule, a fine was imposed in the amount of two months' salary, and this could be imposed both for poking a superior and for poking a subordinate. And if you consider that a third of this money was due to the informer, then it was... unsafe to violate it.

In this way, Western weaving was forcibly introduced in Russia, under threat of a fine.

To the common man, of course, everyone was poking: “he’s a man, and we’re here with some kind of European show-off, and we respect only those who play the same social game with us, and who wins... in it... with us.”

And note (this is important): at first, addressing “you” was introduced to emphasize social inequality: you call the emperor “you”, he calls you “you”; to those higher in rank - on “you”, they to you - on “you”... That is, the vykanie expressed social status, position in social structure, not respect for a person. Only then does the consciousness adapt: ​​position → respect for position → respect, then they intertwine... And now a person’s natural desire - to feel the respect of others, to hear respectful treatment towards himself - pushes him to occupy a position, to this “race along the vertical” ...

Of course, I do not suggest rudely switching to “you” in communication just because such an address is both original and natural for a person who does not suffer from split personality. People around you may not understand and may be offended. In society, for better or worse, a certain etiquette has already developed, a social politesse, in which, by saying “you” to each other, we seem to emphasize our respect for the generally accepted Rules of the Game and a distant, respectful attitude towards each other. This kind of protects us from rudeness, but also from... direct contacts.

But, taken to the absolute (say, in Victorian England), this “you-communication”, this system of public decency, transforms living life people into some kind of... chess game, in which, like pieces on a board, they make the movements prescribed by the rules around their squares, bowing importantly and smiling. – Idyll... or prison?

I wrote this only so that we remember when and why they began to dig out in Rus', so that, understanding this, we could more intelligently decide for ourselves: to whom and how we should contact.

Method of scientific "poke" and "poke"

The question of in what cases to “poke” or “poke” a person is regulated by a set of rules of behavior called etiquette.

This subject is not taught at school, parents also do not pay due attention to it, so a person’s idea of ​​when and who should “poke” and “poke” is very vague.

It is known that with elders you need to be on first name terms. With higher authorities - strictly on “you”. It is unclear how to proceed in other cases.

For example, if your boss is twenty years younger than you, is it okay to poke him? What does your intuition say about this?

It seems impossible. After all, he is the boss. And if he “pokes” you, then is it okay?

Etiquette obliges him to speak “you” with his elders, but he breaks this rule. Maybe then you can “poke” him a little?

And if you are equal with someone (both in age and position), then what is correct? "Poke" or "poke"?

For example, those who like to quickly switch to “you” often complain that there are people who stubbornly “knock out” and do not want to switch to “you”. We've been working together for ten years now, and he's always trying to figure it out.

Maybe I should call him names too, since he’s like that – not You wearable, or rather not You wearable?

Etiquette is, of course, very good, but psychology is better. There is a universal law in psychology that will help determine in which cases it is better to “poke” and in which to “poke”.

A very simple law.

He forced himself to respect

- Well, here on Earth, how do you determine who should sit down in front of whom for how long?
- Well, this is by eye...
- Savages!

"Kin-Dza-Dza"

It is believed that calling “you” expresses respect towards a person. In 1912, when the workers of the Lena mines went on strike, among their demands they wrote: “The workers should not be called by name, but by name.”

And in 1917 (by order of the Petrograd Army Council) the “you” address was completely abolished. From this it involuntarily follows that when we “poke” a person, we show him our disrespect and contempt. Although in fact this is not entirely true or not at all true.

I am sure that you have all read the wonderful book “The Twelve Chairs” by Ilf and Petrov. Remember how Kolya quarreled with Lisa over vegetarian food?

- What You finally clinging to me with her Tolstoy?
- I'm going to you hooked up with Tolstoy? I? I'm to to you hooked up with Tolstoy?

Italics are mine. What happened, tell me please? Why did Lisa switch from “you” to “you”?

Did she suddenly feel some special respect for Kolya? Or is it something else? How do you think?

And the point is this. “You” and “you” in psychology (as opposed to etiquette) do not mean an attitude (respectful in the case of “you” or familiar in the case of “you”), but a communication distance.

The word “distance” can be taken quite literally – it is the distance at which people communicate with each other.

Communication distance implies the ability (or impossibility) to get close to a person so that you can touch him.

If there is such an opportunity, you can “poke”. If this is not possible, then it is better to remain on “you”.

Let me illustrate this with an example.

The boss is 20 years younger than his subordinate, but he addresses him on a first-name basis, and the subordinate calls him out. Can a subordinate switch to "you"?

Yes, he can, if he can pat his boss on the shoulder. Or on the hand. Or on the back. Or “friendly” poke him in the side with your fist.

In other words, if in communication between people there is not only verbal, but also physical contact, then you can “poke”.

But if your communication is exclusively verbal, and physical contact is excluded, then you have no grounds for “poking.” Stay on "you".

"You" and "you" are speech communication distance regulators between people.

When communication involves physical contact (touching, hugging, patting, etc.), people communicate on a first-name basis.

If someone offers to get on a personal level, first of all, this means that this someone is ready for physical contact.

But if someone persistently calls you “you,” this means that he excludes any manifestations of “friendly” relations. You can only talk to him and nothing more.

“You” – brings closer and closer. “You” removes, alienates. When spouses quarrel, like our Liza and Kolya, the result is physical intolerance to each other, people develop a need move away, move away or leave. That's why it's "you". Now we can't be close, in other words.

As you can see, the formula is very simple. If there is no between people physical contact, you better stay on "you".

Even if you are three steps higher on the career ladder. Or 30 years older. Well, if shorter or younger, then even more so.

Don’t know what address to choose when meeting a new person, or want to understand when you can switch to “you” in communication? Rules will come to the rescue speech etiquette, explaining when and what kind of treatment is appropriate to use.

The reforms of Peter 1 introduced into our speech the use of “You,” which he borrowed from European culture. The innovation that came from the West took a long time to take root, but now we don’t even remember that it has non-Russian roots.

Forms "You" and "you"

Having studied the basics of speech etiquette, you can get precise recommendations on the use of addresses “you” or “you”.

When it is necessary to address the interlocutor as “you”

The use of “You” emphasizes formality and respect for the interlocutor, and is regulated by specific rules of etiquette.

1. If you need to contact someone you don’t know or don’t know at all to a stranger, for example: “Could you tell me if I filled out the application correctly?”
2. If the interlocutor is familiar to you, but he is older than you. In this case, it is useful to know a few additional conditions. It is more appropriate to supplement the address with a first name and patronymic to those interlocutors who are over 25 years old: “Fedor Petrovich, you understand how important this is for me!” And if your partner is younger, then we add only the name: “Fedor, you know how I would like to solve this problem!”
3. The formality of the situation, which requires building communication at work on a “you” basis. We list the main situations in which this etiquette requirement must be observed:

• communication with colleagues, even if informal relationships have developed between them, in the presence of third parties, including when participating in meetings, symposiums, round tables and seminars;
• during the interaction between buyer and seller, doctor and patient, driver and passenger;
• in the work of a teacher or teacher when addressing middle and high school students and students.

When to Capitalize When Addressing “You” in Writing

Let us separately outline the rules that apply when using “You” in writing. Even if a conversational style is chosen, etiquette requires addressing recipients as “you,” thereby emphasizing respect for them. But if neither the number of people who will read the text nor their names and surnames are known, then in this case we will write the appeal in small letters. An example is any address by the author to the reader in an article. If the addressee is known, then using a capital letter is mandatory, for example, when writing a letter to a specific person.

When can I address you as "you"?

“You” is a colloquial form of address to well-known people, indicating the presence of a close relationship, although if it is used in relation to a stranger, it will be perceived either as disrespect for him or as bad manners of the addressee and a gross violation of etiquette requirements.

“You” can be addressed to a colleague, friend, children and is regulated by the rules of speech etiquette in the following cases:

1. Appeal in the family to relatives and household members, regardless of their age. Today, the tradition of children addressing their parents as “you” has almost been lost.
2. An informal setting in which colleagues and co-workers can afford to use the colloquial “you”.
3. Appeal to children under 9 years of age.
4. friends, colleagues, acquaintances or peers.

Transition from “you” to “you” and from “you” to “you”

Speech etiquette helps to find answers to questions about how in the process of communication it is possible to replace the address “You” with its colloquial version “you”.

Rules for switching from “you” to “you”

Most often, this is possible when the situation allows you to switch to an informal form of communication. The main requirement in such a transition is to obtain permission from the interlocutor to use “you” as a less formal option.

Basic rules for the transition from “you” to “you”, regulated by speech etiquette:

• The proposal to switch to “you” must come from the older interlocutor to the younger one, who receives the right to accept or reject such an offer.
• In communication between a man and a woman, etiquette prescribes that it is the woman who is the first to suggest a transition to “you” to her interlocutor. This rule is not always followed, but this does not mean that it does not exist.

When is it possible to switch from “you” to “you”

A reverse transition means that the interlocutors’ communication conditions have changed. For example:

• Communication partners' relationships have deteriorated, and now they need to emphasize the formality of communication.
• When relatives come to work, they change “you” to “you”, thereby trying to demonstrate to their colleagues the lack of close relationships.
• People who know each other well find themselves in a situation or meeting, or at work, in relation to each other, they are employees who are not equal in status, but, for example, a manager and a subordinate. Among colleagues, addressing themselves as “you”, they show the ability to separate friendly and work relationships.

Knowing the rules of speech etiquette and following them, each person will be able to improve their interaction with others and not find themselves in situations in which they will be considered ignorant or insufficiently educated.

"Trivial everyday situation– but it hurt me. In a store next door to my house, a saleswoman who knows me by sight suddenly started talking to me on a first-name basis. This came as a complete surprise to me. I was confused and felt discouraged. I felt unpleasant and at the same time unclear how to react.

We usually say “you” to strangers or people we barely know, those who are older in age, higher in status. In any case, “you” - polite address, showing respect for the interlocutor - involves maintaining a distance, and sometimes - providing another with a safe space. We use “you” to address loved ones and God. This is a manifestation of trust and love.

But there is another “you”, which indicates a lack of distance, respect, and sometimes even that a person is reduced to a function, a role. Although there is a possibility of misperception and misunderstanding here. An unexpected transition from “you” to “you” may simply mean an involuntary desire for greater intimacy, for which we are not (yet) ready.

For that saleswoman, a confident woman, “you” may have been a sign of favor and affection. But I felt awkward and angry with her and with myself. It was important for me to understand what happened. The seller is an expert in his product. And by this criterion, her position as an expert is higher than my position as a buyer. But I am an expert of my feelings. And I know better how I want to be addressed. With her “you” she violated the equality of our positions. Then I remained silent, confused and not wanting to offend her. But if in the future she speaks to me on a first-name basis again, I will definitely say: “I like coming to you for shopping. But I would like us to address each other as “you.”

If the “you” of a saleswoman, on whom I do not depend, and with whom I may well not communicate, is so offended, then how much more difficult it is to withstand something like this – and in this context, it already sounds derogatory! - an address from a boss, a teacher, a policeman... This “you” comes from the times of serfdom, when gentlemen “poked” their peasants and servants.

How to deal with this? In any case, do not be led by your indignation, resentment - that is, by your impulsive defenses. Do not respond “blow for blow” - after all, there is no other way than to respect the boundaries that are necessary for ourselves. Show others the respect and courtesy that we have a right to expect and insist on in our dealings with them.”

Changes in the cultural code

Previously, “you” was used much more often than now, and it was perceived differently: “Empty you with the heartfelt you, she, having mentioned, replaced ...” In the village, elderly women even said to strangers “son”, “daughter”, they could call a stranger “nice man” - on “you”.

An attack on our dignity

“You” can truly hurt if such treatment hurts our dignity (feeling of self-respect, our own unconditional value), violates the boundaries of our safety, comfortable psychological distance.

Marina Khazanova, client-centered psychotherapist, board member of the Society for Person-Centered Approach.