What to do if your wife won’t let you go anywhere. The wife does not let go and does not want to live together. How to understand her behavior? "Strange woman, strange..."
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All figures have a figure, “this lady”, a problem person, a “queen mother”, an underwater snake - all sorts of epithets were addressed to ex-wives/girlfriends. They are either demonized, attributed to an evil superpower, or relegated below the level of the sewer, they say, “stupid and dirty.” However, you should learn to evaluate this person objectively - if only because one day you risk encountering her and experiencing all the “delights” of a situation when your husband’s ex-wife threatens your marriage.
What to do if your husband's ex-wife haunts him And then she appeared on the horizon. What if his ex regularly or occasionally causes problems? For example, he now calls your partner with requests, blackmails him with a child, accuses and different ways
harasses Sometimes you get it too: “good people” secretly voiced the characteristics that she gives out to you. Hoping that the tormentor herself will be ashamed and disappear is stupid - you will have to learn to live with this, or more precisely, with this.
"Strange woman, strange..." The question is, why does she need this? Well, they lived and lived, and then they didn’t live (together) - so forget it, reset it, you don’t even have to congratulate the ex on his birthday. Remember with a kind word, if you have one common child
– solve purely parental issues: don’t poke your nose into your ex’s personal life. But this sounds great in theory; in practice, such “high relationships” are demonstrated by very few people. The rest are petty mischief or turn into a severe test for the psyche of the retired faithful and his new passion.
Motives of the “ex-wives club” Women show the world " dark side
- moon" for various reasons:
- The second reason is that the ex does not want to fade into the background. It happens: for some reason, first wives always want to remain first. They believe that the second and subsequent ladies are just their pathetic copy, a husband’s attempt to console himself. And everything real - feelings, actions and property - supposedly went to the first lady. And this (again, supposedly) gives you the right to edit your ex’s life at your own discretion, or at least ask him at any time of the day or night - to nail down a shelf, drive away that spider, pick up the child on the weekend. Actually, it’s just ordinary selfishness and a narrow-minded mind, but does that make it any easier for you...
- Next on the agenda is ordinary harmfulness. In principle, the divorce did not hurt, the interests of the lady and the child were respected, and it would be possible to set the ex free, but I don’t want to. There is time and a desire to show him who is shuffling the deck, because power is so intoxicating - and that’s it, the game begins.
- And sometimes the plot is sadder: for example, a woman does not admit the fact of separation, she intends to return the man and the relationship. Maybe the poor thing still loves, or maybe she doesn’t like the role of being abandoned and lonely, and then a rival has appeared... Instead of looking for reasons in herself or dealing with the man, the ex plots intrigues for the new participant in the “triangle”.
"At the crossroads of two roads"
No matter what the motives of the one who came before, what is more interesting is the man’s reaction to the fact that the past is invading his present and future. Since we have identified the ex as a problem, it means that he still responds to her call. How, why, why does he do this? Here's what the most common answers sound like.
- "It's my fault"
It is easy for many grown boys to be instilled with a guilt complex, which is what their ex-halves take advantage of. “You ruined my life and left a child without a father,” - if you repeat the phrase with the frequency of a jackhammer, you can even impose responsibility on the closet. And here is a living person, and even a reverent dad. So he pulls the burden, not discerning who he is flying to for help. Once again- to your own blood or ex-wife. The main thing for him is that his conscience does not gnaw at him - and, if possible, his new wife/girlfriend does not nag at him.
- "I'm used to it"
Often a man automatically continues to provide and support his ex, no joke, we spent so many years together. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with it, you just need to start new life– with a different scenario and heroine.
- "I am stuck"
There are also any number of examples - a man cannot complete the previous story. I would like to have both, and most importantly, so that no one suffers.
- "I'm afraid of losing my children"
Blackmail with a child/children is a dirty and reprehensible method, but hundreds and thousands of angry women do not choose methods. If dad has compromised himself even a little (he was late for a walk), mom will describe to the child in all colors who his parent is and how his earth bears him. To prevent childhood psychological trauma, dad dances like crazy and rushes at the first call.
- "I remember the good things"
Grown-up boys are no strangers to sentimentality; they value good memories. If people managed to part in a civilized manner, friendship and slight sadness for the lost romance are very likely. One can also understand: pleasant moments, youth, dizzying passion and a sea of tenderness are associated with that woman. Now, of course, they have no time for carnal joys, which is also understandable - but is it forgivable?
- "I'm in demand"
Or maybe your chosen one likes this plot with Moorish passions? Two women need him at once - it’s intoxicating! The man feels like a prize chocolate cake, for which there is a battle, it raises self-esteem and the general tone of the body, you can enjoy it and add fuel to the fire. Of course, on his part it is ugly, unworthy and stupid - but for this complex of three “don’ts” you pay with tears and early wrinkles.
“Start the operation immediately”
First and foremost- if a woman from the past has appeared in full height and there were children in that marriage, it’s impossible to brush it off. But let’s set priorities right away: the interests of the children come first. Be smart and don’t be jealous of the little and not-so-small people who are so important to your beloved man.
Second rule– don’t get involved in a relationship with him ex-wife, it doesn’t exist for you. There is no need to enter into confrontation with her, no need to think about what to say to your husband’s ex-wife, write and call, appeal to your conscience. And in exactly the same way there is no need to be friends, she is a sign. By all means, do not allow a situation where the “wives’ club” ends up in a duet, and the man is isolated: “Figure it out yourself, girls.” If there are any sharp moments in that story, let the former spouses eliminate them themselves.
Third Commandment– control the reaction. Yes, it hurts and offends you when “that unbearable one” calls again, but starting a scandal means losing ground and appearing in an unsightly form. For the first time, gently tell your partner: “Yes, of course, help, because you are the father.” In the second, shrug your shoulders, saying, is there an urgent need to fly to the rescue. In case of malicious relapses, you cannot do without confidential conversations, where you sincerely and calmly (!) tell your significant other that you saw your union a little differently. Talk only about your experiences, do not put forward conditions on what the previous wife should do/not do.
Next step– designate the boundaries beyond which the ex-wife is prohibited from entering, and this must be done by the man. This will help break the emotional connection that, apparently, is still simmering. If he persistently and without emotion explains the new rules to the other side, she will only have to comply: maybe not right away, but she will get used to it.
Conditions of parity with the husband's ex-wife
Convey to your beloved that you will not urgently change plans because of an “urgent” call from your ex, with the exception of something very serious regarding children. By the way, plan your time with his heirs together, you have the right to vote.
It is also worth discussing the list of matters for which he is responsible - they, again, are strictly related to children. go to parent meetings, looking after during illness, going for walks and helping with studies - dad is responsible for these things. But fixing the ex-wife’s car, calling a repairman for her needs is already an honorable duty of the lady herself or a new admirer.
Finally, the most unpleasant moment - the lady poisons your life, spreads rumors, tries to quarrel between you and your chosen one, incites the children. Ignore as much as you can; any of your emotional attacks (especially aggressive ones) will be distorted and replicated.
Hold on and repeat like a mantra: Each problem takes up exactly as much space as it receives attention. Although it is very difficult to save face, the only way to win this war is not to participate. Separately, we need to touch on the situation when the spouse clearly initiates competition between you and his ex. This will not end as long as you are in the game and ready to fight for it - draw conclusions. According to psychologists, the only person whose well-being you should worry about is you.
So, we agreed - you do not pay attention to the provocative antics of the “competing company”. Rest assured, they will stop as soon as she arranges her personal life - try to sincerely want her to fall in love, this is in your own interests.
And the most important thing: do not focus on the problem called “his ex-wife does not allow him to live in peace” - just live. There are so many interesting things around - hobbies, travel, friends, cinema, concerts and outings. Use all the ways to please yourself and “dissolve” minor troubles in a stream of emotions not related to the person of your predecessor. You cannot delete the past, but you have the power to create a bright, joyful present - and invite your loved one into it. And outsiders are not allowed to enter there!
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Good afternoon A friend has a problem: she lives with a man from whom she is pregnant, he is married and has long wanted to get a divorce, but his wife will not let him go. They have been married for a long time and have three adult children. The wife, having learned about his plans, threatens to commit suicide (they have already been pumped out in intensive care), the son physically threatens his father if he leaves his mother, the daughter also threatens to do something stupid, etc. The man is decent, calm, peaceful, and has already tried to talk to his family and leave peacefully. At the same time, he supports both his wife and children financially in every possible way (he leaves them everything). But they are all trying very hard to hold him back - moral blackmail, threats to the lives of both themselves and his future wife, constant phone calls, tracking, threats of physical violence, etc. How to behave in this situation? He most likely will not write statements to the police on his own. But he’s probably also afraid of disappearing (changing phone numbers, changing apartments) - what if his wife does something to herself, and then the children won’t forgive him.
Hello Tatiana.
What you are describing suggests that this man's wife knows how to get her loved ones to do what she wants. Children threaten their father only because their mother wants them to. More precisely, they are convinced that she is suffering greatly and that they are able to help her by threatening her father.
But the fact that her threats make an impression on a man indicates that he is under her power. It is precisely the way out from under her power that is his task, and not at all saving her life. It is unlikely that her life is so dear to her that she is ready to sacrifice it, just so that he does not divorce her. Moreover, he doesn’t even live with her anymore, we're talking about only about divorce. Most likely, she makes attempts to commit suicide only because they work and force those around her to do what she wants. But in any case, she is an adult who has the right to manage her life as she wants, and to feel responsible for the life of her ex-wife means maintaining an emotional connection with her.
It is possible that her tactics could lead to his return back to the family. But this, again, can happen due to the fact that the man is still under her influence. His very reaction to the actions of his family speaks of his dependence. He can definitely put an end to the children's actions if he doesn't make excuses for them, if he really gets angry at them for interfering in his life.
I can assume that he is not angry either with his wife (for not letting him go) or with his children (for behaving in such an ugly way towards him and his choice). If he expresses anger at them, it is only to your friend, not to his family. From the point of view of family psychotherapy, this means that his wife’s attempts not to let him go are important to him, firstly, because they confirm his importance to the family, and secondly, because it may be important for him not to burn bridges in case the other family it won't work out.
It is indeed very difficult for people to leave marriages that last almost their entire adult life. And the fact that he cannot put an end to the persecution by his wife and children speaks only of one thing: that somewhere deep down in his soul he does not want to put an end to it. For some reason, it is important for him to maintain contact with his family, and this is not about communicating with children, but about keeping the family in the same composition.
Your friend should understand that she is not suffering from some external enemies ( former family her men), but from the contradictions that exist within himself. I could advise sending a man to a psychotherapist to deal with his secret desire not to break off the connection with him, but in the end it all still depends on how strong this desire is. Most often, such desires are based on complex
As many people say, if you didn’t give it, then suffer alone. Why are so many families falling apart today? The answer is simple: there is no mutual understanding, there is no mutual desire. You just got bored or the bustle of life (being) took away all the beauty and romance. Well, where can we go from this existence, what should we do to actually become happy man. Most likely you need to look deep into yourself. Change something inside yourself and then everything will go uphill and everything will work out. And romance and passion and great desire... Everything will come back, you just need the right priorities, they need to be valued and respected, you can’t play with feelings. And then you won't sit alone like a fool.
Let's talk about one question - why does the Wife deny her husband sex?
How often do you hear from men “My wife won’t let me, I don’t understand the reason, I don’t know what to do”... Is it possible to reason with her?
To begin with, I would like to give you one parable. From the life of animals. From the sex life of gorillas.
Biologists observed them - one male and five females - for several years. And they noticed: some representatives of the weaker monkey sex often and persistently offer sex to the male, feigning an extreme degree of readiness. At the same time, the one who is already pregnant is the most active - she clings to her “husband,” the father of her unborn child. Why, one might ask, if the goal has already been achieved and continuation of the family line is ensured? And then, it turns out, so that the male is not distracted by other females. According to scientists, this behavior became a harbinger of monogamy in humans.
The point of the parable: even monkeys understand that a male needs sex, that it strengthens the family. Here are some human people they don't understand this.
“I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep”
Sexless - psychologists use this term to describe a disgusting phenomenon that has affected both Western and Russian society. Namely, the lack of regular sexual intercourse between spouses. It happens, of course, that husbands deprive their wives of intimate attention. But more often than not, women refuse intimacy. And men, tormented by their libido, hear: “I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep.” Or a completely offensive one: “Where did you go?”
Psychologists have found the answer. But you won't believe how simple and straightforward it is.
The author of one song sings the following words: “You refused me three times, that’s how you are...”
An amazing experiment was conducted by sex therapist from Australia Bettina Arndt. She asked 98 men and women (spouses) to keep anonymous diaries of their intimate lives for a year. And tell them the pure truth. Having received what she wanted, the researcher wrote an entire book
"Why Women Quit Sex and Other Battles in the Bedroom."
Bettina did not make the shocking discovery that there were many reasons. And they are usually different for everyone. But I still came across a few common ones.
First: for some reason, most wives believe that sex should only happen when, where and how they want. But at the same time they do not convey their thoughts to their husbands. And they simply refuse. Like, you have to understand it yourself. But he, the goat, doesn’t understand. And he climbs. And he gets offended even later.
In other words, wives make their husbands guilty of untimely advances. And they themselves are offended by them - such is women’s logic. And this resentment, in turn, becomes a reason for refusal...
Second: the wife holds some kind of grudge against her husband, even if it’s a very small one: for example, he didn’t take out the trash, didn’t ask how she was doing at work, said nasty things to his mother-in-law. And, sulking, “punishes” with deprivation intimacy. But again, it doesn't tell the reason for the sex strike. They are silent as a log.
But even when they say the same notorious “I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep,” many women omit the details. Or maybe they really had a hard day at work. And they are so preoccupied with her that there is no room for thoughts about sex in their heads.
But dear readers, what is the conclusion: the bedroom is not a battlefield for psychics, and husbands are not clever telepaths. They need to explain it in detail. And don’t let things get to the point of deep grievances.
No need for romance, better go straight to bed.
“I love my wife,” someone says, essentially confirming the conclusion of the Australian researcher. - I want a wife all the time, although we have been together for 20 years. But she doesn’t care about me. And all the conversations on this topic yield nothing. He doesn’t go to the doctor: “I’m not sick!” I’m physically healthy - porn turns me on, but knowing this, it doesn’t allow me to turn it on. And nothing helps: we go on vacation, and go to restaurants, and to dances - there are more than enough romances..."
Bettina explains that passion, or even basic lust, which pushes newlyweds into each other's arms, cannot last forever. Moreover, it manifests itself equally in both spouses. Yes, even after many years. The production of sexual hormones responsible for it - passion - fades away in about 18 months.
The researcher has found the most primitive production enhancer - sex. But how can you be “treated” by sex if it doesn’t exist?! Very simple, says Bettina. I can’t through it. Through “I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep.”
A woman must realize the harmfulness of sexless, understand how painful it is for loving husband, destructive to the family. And do not refuse, always agree when your husband asks. Unless, of course, she was overcome by an attack of appendicitis.
Intimacy is an important component family relations. It brings you closer physically and emotionally, helps you remain faithful to each other and gives pleasure. But not everything is always smooth, and even in this area difficulties can arise. What to do if your wife does not give for seemingly incomprehensible reasons?
My wife won’t let me: what should I do?
First of all, don’t rush to conclusions. Some men don’t really understand what’s going on: if the wife doesn’t give it to her husband, then there’s immediate divorce. Others begin to suspect betrayal, become jealous and angry.
Another important question: is this really a trend? If this situation happens occasionally, then you probably shouldn't pay too much attention to it. In the end, on some day the spouse may really have a headache or simply be out of mood - which is also important.
Sex for a woman is not just carnal pleasure, but also an activity that requires certain emotions, without which intimacy does not bring her pleasure.
But what if this is happening more and more often and is already becoming a trend? Also, don’t rush into quarrels. Most problems can and should be resolved - this will only strengthen the relationship. But first you need to understand possible reasons such behavior of a life partner.
Most common reasons
To begin with, it is worth mentioning that a woman’s cooling of her ardor, as a rule, has nothing to do with new crushes. This usually indicates that she is dissatisfied with some areas family life.
The most popular include several possible reasons:
Stress. Many women divide themselves into family, home and work. At the same time, responsibility is required of them everywhere. Such a life has little to do with intimacy. What caresses can there be - the child needs help with homework, cooking soup, otherwise there will be nothing to eat, and also reporting on work or just the boss being nagging. When there are only demands all around and you need to get everything done, it’s difficult to think about tenderness.
Household workload. Some might think that this is the same as the first point, but it is not. Sometimes a woman does not work, but remains completely absorbed in household chores. The husband and children do not consider it necessary to take on some of the responsibilities - after all, the mother does not work or study, that’s why she is a housewife. And such a housewife ceases to feel like a woman. All her thoughts are about fatigue, about the fact that the stain from her son’s pants has not been washed off and that no one will buy her beautiful underwear - why?
Grievances. It has already been mentioned that lovemaking for ladies is a phenomenon that requires certain emotions. And misunderstandings that have not been discussed and resolved greatly alienate the spouses from each other. Some people think that sex is good decision conflicts, but this is not so. Sometimes the grievances remain, plus the woman gets the feeling that her life partner doesn’t care about her emotional condition, but his physiological needs are important.
Phobia after pregnancy. While carrying a child, some couples completely refuse intimacy for fear of harming the baby. Then the child is born, but the fears remain. And she completely devotes herself to the baby, forgetting that she is not only a mother, but also a wife.
Spouse's appearance. One of the reasons why a wife does not give it to her husband and at the same time does not really want to explain something is some shortcomings in his appearance. The man considers himself handsome, but has already grown a beer belly, is unshaven, and has bad breath. Of course, his beloved should love him in any way, but it is worth remembering that basic unkemptness does not excite. And she may be embarrassed to talk about this - she doesn’t want to offend.
Diseases. Not all representatives of the stronger sex like to hear about diseases. And in most cases it is not easy to understand what is happening to his other half. Moreover, we are not always talking about physical illnesses. There are emotional problems in which a girl experiences even physical pain from proximity. The love of her life partner will manifest itself in a desire to help, understand and encourage her to see a doctor.
What to do
Of course, all girls are unique and every relationship has its own “tricks”. But there are things you should definitely do if your wifey doesn't want to share a bed:
Quality sex is the icing on a cake that was baked in advance. This means you need to make an effort before inviting your wife into bed.
The most important thing is communication. Conversation over a cup of coffee in the morning, calls and SMS with a cute text. This sincere interest and affection brings people closer together.
There is no need to be lazy and give up on the situation. If you let a relationship take its course, it can completely deteriorate.
When a husband fights for his beloved, it is rewarded. Relationships become stronger, conflicts are resolved easier and faster. This way, all areas of family life, including intimate ones, will delight both spouses.
Olga, Novorossiysk
There are no ex-wives. However, you can minimize the influence of this person on your life.
Does your beloved man constantly talk about his ex-wives? And it doesn’t matter whether he praises them or scolds them - it still annoys you terribly.
At the first request of his wife, he rushes to save her from broken computers, closed doors and financial difficulties? Don't rush to the conclusion that he is still in love with his ex-wife. Or dreams of returning to her.
Remember a simple truth: there are no ex-wives.
Blood ties?
Yes, they are not relatives in the literal sense of the word. But over the certain number of years spent together, they managed not only to get used to each other, but also to become truly family people.
Even if everything ended badly, and someone left the family, their spiritual and physical connection did not disappear in an instant.
They still remained close. And that doesn't mean they sleep together
Moreover, they may even have common interests, friends, financial obligations.
Therefore, do not be angry and let your loved one go to his ex with a calm heart. Be careful though. The percentage of “returnees” is quite high.
Common children
Children are sacred. Never get in the way of a man and his child. Would you like your husband to forget to congratulate your common child on his birthday after a divorce?
In this situation, the ex-wife thinks only about the child. It is very important that the man communicates with him as often as possible. Why don’t you become a close person for your loved one’s children?
If you truly love a man, you will accept his children. But if you are a calculating egoist and a bitch, then no, of course.
Financial connections
Shared real estate, business, savings - all this can still belong to both ex-spouses.
If they a good relationship, then why change the state of affairs? They may even work together - you will have to endure at least for your own sake financial well-being.
Don't let her manipulate your ex.
If his ex-wife still cannot come to terms with the fact that your loved one now belongs to another woman, then you may have problems.
Constant calls, demands, threats and hysterics can throw anyone off balance and make them jealous.
She knows all his weaknesses well and knows how to play on his nerves.
There is no need to start a showdown and explain to his ex-wife why this shouldn’t be done. Try to talk reasonably and calmly with your man and explain that he is simply being used.
If such conversations do not help, then pose the question point blank and ask them to choose between communicating with you and replacing another broken tap in the apartment ex-girlfriend life.
Such ultimatums can lead to a breakdown in relationships. But why do you need henpecked?
Besides, you can only fight a bitch using her own methods. Let your loved one be so busy with you that he will not have time to fulfill all the whims of his ex.